A void...

Well, we got back from dinner night not too long ago.  Just when I think I can go there and come home feeling okay, I'm wrong.  Just such an awful void.  I want him to be there so badly.  I honestly cannot even imagine how mom must feel, living in that house.  Stephen is leaving Halloween night to go to NC, and I was going to stay at Mom's with the kids, but I have nooooooooooo desire too.  I'm dreading it.

I have been asked by several people, for a copy of the eulogy I wrote for my dad's services.  I really enjoyed writing this eulogy and enjoyed giving it even more.  Obviously, I didn't enjoy the fact that my dad had passed, but it was certainly an honor to write it for such an awesome person.  I am attaching it to this post.  It's full of incorrect punctuation, etc., but it was only ever meant to be a "cheat sheet" for me to use.  In fact, some of the things may or may not be on there because I actually improvised while up on the altar.  I'm anxious to share it for all those who wanted a copy and for those who were not there that evening to hear how much I loved/love my dad.  I still go to bed at night, rehearsing these words.  I'm not sure why.  Just like I'm not sure why tonight, I feel like he just died yesterday.  I'm sad.  I'm sorry if you, the reader, are tired of  hearing about this.  I just can't seem to move past it; hence why I created the blog. 

It’s 2 o’clock in the morning, and I’m sitting here in the dark with only the light of my computer screen.  Dad died not even 24 hours ago.  It still isn’t real.

For weeks now, I had this ugly feeling that death was creeping up on us.  And I knew without a doubt that I wanted to pay tribute somehow to the man I was privileged enough to call dad and that my children were blessed enough to call, “Poppy”. 

You know, they say when people die that God needed another angel or that He missed that person so much that he couldn’t stand to be without them for another minute so he called them home.  I’m not sure what I believe or what I understand but I think it’s because this world isn’t necessarily something for us to understand.  Sometimes bad things just happen; good people get sick.  It’s just part of life and we have to hope and believe that there is something better beyond this life for us.

My dad was the most kind, caring, and loving man I’ll ever know.  I mean, he was just awesome and there are no words to describe what a wonderful person he was.  If you are sitting here right now, you were blessed enough to have known him even in some small way.  Mom Mom and Pop Pop, make no mistake about how much he loved you and all his siblings, in-laws, nieces and nephews…..anyone who he spent every evening with or every weekend with.  He would’ve done anything for you and did while he was here.  Mom, you were his rock.  I know I told you that.  My mom spent a lot of time with my dad….nearly two months she stayed at the hospital with him, day and night.  It was her home.  So one day dad and I were talking and he jokingly mentioned to me that I would need to buy mom a crossword puzzle or something because he couldn’t watch her straighten clothes or bathroom toiletries one more time.  So, I’m sorry mom…sometimes we had a laugh at your expense.  But one day, Stephen Spalding, dad, and me were all sitting around talking and Stephen Spalding and I were giving mom a hard time and dad looked at us very sternly and he said:  “Watch it now, she has been my rock here.”  I’ll always remember that.  Stephen, he was the most proud dad in the world to have you as a son.  You are so much like him in so many ways, and he saw that.  To my husband Stephen, dad loved you and had so much respect for you and everything you did.  And not just because you took me off of his hands…remember he used to say no returns or refunds?  And to my children, Gracen and Parker, I will spend every day telling you stories about how much your Poppy loved you and how he would’ve done anything for you.  I always say that I never really knew the full potential of my dad until he became a grandfather.  That…is where he really shined, and I’m so happy I was able to see that.

To say that Dad endured hell here on earth the last two months is an understatement.  And I don’t know anyone that could’ve accepted it and dealt with it with the complete grace and dignity that my dad did. (Mention Nelson building at Hopkins) He was full of faith and love the entire time, and I have no doubt that his suffering earned him a first class flight to heaven.  It’s easy for people to say, He’s in heaven now with all the angels.  But truly, I tell you, I have no doubt that he really is.  After dad passed, my little girl Gracen, whom he loved dearly, went in and held his hand and kissed him…so grown up for a two year old.  My little boy, Samuel Parker, laughed and laughed at dad just like he always did….except this time I believe Sammy Parker was laughing at the beautiful angels that were taking dad to heaven to be with his sisters and family waiting there for him.

Lastly, I cannot stand up here without saying how thankful I am to have such a large and extended family on both sides.  To my dad’s sisters and brother and their families, my grandparents included…these last two months would not have been possible without your love and support and of course, your ability to watch my kids whenever and wherever needed.   I know that the coming days, weeks, months, and years will be trying ones, but I also know that we will all get through it together…and dad would’ve wanted it that way.  When my dad was younger, he wanted Deacon Somerville to ask God why He kept giving him so many sisters.  Well, dad, I’m sure you figured it out, but now you really know why.  And Jeff….didn’t want to leave you out…you know he thought the world of you. 

Do not weep for us because we had the best…we had the best husband, the best dad, the best uncle, the best brother, the best son.  I weep for those who never knew him.

And so it is with a heavy heart that I say good-bye to your earthly body, dad.  Teach St. Joseph a thing or two about his carpentry skills, okay?  Please watch my kids from Heaven.  I love you.

"The righteous perish,
and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
to be spared from evil.

Those who walk uprightly
enter into peace;
they find rest as they lie in death."
Isaiah 57:1-2