Just couldn't wait to blog about it...

Well, I would have to say that this Halloween should have been called "Helloween".  Honestly, if I really look hard at it, I'm not sure what really has made it so awful, but I know this....I have cried about Dad a good majority of the day.  It all started this morning with a misunderstanding about the hayride, and it just went down hill from there.  Stephen and I fought most of the day because he was really really hungover and also because he was getting ready for his fishing trip, which made him less than helpful.  And really, he was somewhat helpful, but I'm really not sure that 8:30 on Halloween night is a great idea to leave for a vacation...just sayin.  So anyway, funny story I want to share with everyone...

As I told everyone before, I had made up my mind that I wasn't going on the hayride.  I knew I would be a mess, and I just couldn't do it.  My cousin Kristen had told me the other day that the idea was to have the kids dressed up and at Mom Mom's by 4.  So, we were there with the kids all dressed up and a few minutes to spare.  It was odd at first because no one was dressed up.  The kids were all eating pizza and enjoying desserts in Jenny's garage so we joined them!  Actually, it worked out really well because we were able to feed Gracen, etc.  Well, here is the "cool" part (well, I think it's cool).  When we got to Mom Mom's we found out that the hayride had encountered fatal errors when a tire blew about 2 minutes into the ride.  Everyone came back.  About 20 minutes later I found out that my brother and uncle were trying to get the tire fixed, but they weren't sure it was going to work.  Well, IT DID, and at 5:30 pm, me, Stephen and the kids were on the hayride.  Honestly...it's way too much of a coincidence for me....all of it.  I do believe that dad wanted us to be there, thus causing the chain of events that happened.  I have to admit that I sobbed like a baby the whole way around the farm and back.  Going past Mom and Dad's house, seeing all of his tractors, etc. was not something I could handle.  My aunts cried with me.  I have done nothing but cry ever since.  I am so exhausted from crying that I'm sure I will pass out before my head hits the pillow tonight.  Gracen is already asleep and God willing, Parker will be asleep before long.  The look on my brother's face on that hayride is something I'll never forget.  He stared at me, and I stared right back at him, and he looked so lost, so hurt, so angry. He told me he took some flowers to dad's grave and a bail of hay.  I haven't been to dad's grave since his funeral.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it would make it all too real for me...not that it already isn't.

So, with all that said; here I sit---exhausted!  After Mom Mom's we had to run over to GGs house and then to Grandma Bean and Papa Phil's house.  Having family that lives so close is a blessing, but it sure is exhausting when you have children.  Every holiday you run from house to house trying to catch up with everyone.  I am actually glad today is over.  The kids had a blast though, and I have a pile of candy sitting in my living room.  I'm eating some NERDS as we speak.  Stephen has left for his fishing trip, and mom is on her way over here tonight.  Mom, I hope you read this because I can never thank you enough for staying over here with me.  I'm so happy not to have to drag the kids out.  It means a lot to me.  Thank you :). 

Here are some pictures...they are from Kristen.  I took some with dad's camera, but I let Stephen take it with him to NC.  I'll have to swipe some off of a relative's facebook.  Goodnight moon.  Goodnight blog.  Goodnight, Dad.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

My kids will never smile at the same time and look in the same direction.  Gracen especially!  These were the best I could get!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

So much to say....so little time!

A good time was had by all at The Hammer last night.  Many thanks to the Tennysons for putting on such an awesome party.  Where have I been for the last 5 years?  Brandy, get those pictures up so I can post some on the blog!  I'm sure they are funny as hell!

Speaking of a good time...daddy (Stephen) had too much of a good time!  In fact, he had a good enough time for the whole party!   Parker is asleep, and I am sitting on the couch watching Gracen "doctor" daddy up.  That brown bottle flu really sucks, doesn't it dear?  12-15 beers and jigger juice will do it to ya!  I had a great time and only drank 3 beers.  And after looking at him this morning, I am so glad I did!

Well, it's Halloween.  My first "holiday" without my dad.  I have a myriad of emotions.  I'm super excited because Gracen really understands Halloween this year and Parker gets excited about everything.  I can't wait to dress up my little pirate and parrot tonight.  On the other hand, holidays completely stress me out because I feel like I can never enjoy them from all the running around we do!  We will be here, there, and everywhere starting at about 3:30 today.  It's the annual family hayride this year as well...which I opted out of.  I'm sure I'll regret it, but right now I just can't do it.  Like I've said before, that was something that my dad and I did together.  I think it would just about kill me to step on that cart and tour around the farm, passing my parents house where I'm sure everyone (including me if I were there) would shed a tear.  I'm not ready to see my family like that again...my grandparents, etc.  Mom said that I KNOW dad would want me to take Gracen on it.  Sorry dad, maybe next year. 

And on a random note, this takes me back to the day my dad died.  It was Kyle's birthday.  Poor Kyle, right?  Your 12th birthday, marked by the death of your uncle.  Looking back on it now though, dad had it right.  I have never felt more love than I did on that day.  Dad must have known we were all going to gather together that evening to celebrate Kyle's birthday, and we did.  We just had a few extra family members and friends that stopped by to help.  The ice cream man came...the kids danced...adults laughed and cried...it was a complete and total celebration of my dad.  I don't think the day of his death was meant to work out any other way. 

So here's to you dad....on this All Hallows Eve...I hope you are living it up there in Heaven.  I'm sure you'll get a kick out of the kids' costumes when you look down and see them later.  P.S.  Could you give my husband a good nudge for me?  If you don't, I will.  He's passed out in my floor.



It came!

Well, after a morning out with mom and the kids, I came home to find the Toys R Us BIG CHRISTMAS BOOK.  I'm not sure who was more excited...Gracen or me.  Definitely a cool book with lots of great deals.  I can hardly wait to go shopping.  We normally go on the night before Thanksgiving.  I guess we'll stick with tradition and make it three years in a row this year.  The prices are good until the 24th...which happens to be the night before Thanksgiving.  I'm waiting for my Toys R Us reward coupons to start rolling in too considering how much money we've already spent.  Anyway, if you aren't on their mailing list and didn't get a book, they will be out in this Sunday's paper.  I plan on grabbing a couple :).  Ahhhh, I smell Black Friday fast approaching as well :).

JUST SAYIN'

So tonight I'm in Panera and Target and this thought comes to mind...

I'm a little confused as to why NO bathrooms...ANYWHERE I have been, contain short sinks and short toilets.  I mean, you know...for a midget...OR a potty-training toddler?  I am so tired of lifting her off the toilet while she hems and haws forever about whether she wants to go or not.  Then I'm sick of having to lift her up to wash her hands.  Bathroom trips sure aren't what they used to be.  Funny, but yesterday when I was at my aunt's work, I went to the bathroom without anyone in tow.  It was absolutely amazing if I do say so myself.  It's funny how relieved I was when I realized I didn't have to wipe anyone's butt, but my own.  I didn't have to wash anyone's hands...but my own!  So, heads up to all you restaurants, stores, etc.  Would it really be THAT big of a deal to have ONE stall with a short toilet and just ONE sink that's about 2 feet off the ground? I can't wait until Parker is potty training, and it's Stephen's job to take him.   JUUUUUUUUUST SAYIN'!

Santa Claus is coming to town...

Okay, so shoot me for typing that, but I can't help myself.  I just called Toys R Us to make sure that I was on their mailing list because I did not receive one of their toy catalogs last year, and I am dying to get it this year!  Anyway, looks like I am on their mailing list, and it is on its way.  Whew, crisis averted!  Quite honestly, aside from the ever stinging pain of dad being gone, I am looking forward to this Christmas.  Gracen completely understands what is going on, and Parker gets excited about everything.  We will be having a lot of fun this year.  I even had some gifts arrive today!  I'm also anxiously awaiting the arrival of the first Christmas commercial.  I haven't seen any thus far.

The Grays did another wonderful job of putting on a great fall festival for SJS.  I was so happy to see some of my old co-workers/friends and Gracen had a great time---maybe too good of a time!  Her favorite thing was getting to ride the pony, Peanut.  I actually can't wait to put her in horseback riding lessons.  I think she would do really well.  She was hysterical....as she was going around on Peanut she kept saying, "Howdy Partner," and tipping her helmet/hat.  I'm not sure where she gets this stuff from!  She fell sound asleep on the way home, and I had to somehow, very cautiously, get her pull-ups on her for fear she would wet the bed during her nap time!  I was able to get them on without her even budging.  Parker, on the other hand, was up when I got home, and he still is!  That boy has got to go to bed!  Here is Gracen riding the pony, peanut...

My little girl is getting way too big!

"Gracen go poop plllleeaaassssssse."

There is no phrase that could make a potty training mom more proud.  Good job, Gracen!  No accidents.  Parker, when can I stop buying diapers for you?

Regret or what is it?

Well, any of you that read my blog yesterday would've seen my paragraph long rant about my husband not wanting to come home from work to help me out a little bit, etc.  Stephen read the rant somehow and became very upset....soooooooooo....I have deleted it.  He's still upset, and although I know why he is upset, I'm not sure what to think about it.  I really do love my husband, and I want to have a good relationship with him.  Over the years, things have come between us for various reasons, and although they can cause turmoil, it doesn't mean I love him any less.  He is a great guy, a great husband, a great dad to my kids.  He works really hard---most of the time---too hard.  He would like to blame it on me (and it is a little bit of my fault since I like to have things, go to dinner, buy my kids things, etc.), but he's also a workaholic and perfectionist.  I'm just frustrated.  So, when I woke up this morning upset about the whole thing, I'm not sure if I'm upset because I regret what I wrote or if it's because I don't like him being mad with me.  I think it's probably the latter as I really don't think anything I said was untrue or off-course.  Anyway, I'll leave it at that.  It'll work itself out.

I am hanging around the house this morning and then taking Gracen to the St. John's festival around 11.  GG will be with Sammy Parker.  The kids are both happily watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  Their little faces are so cute :). 

Wyle's party....and I spoke too soon!

Well, I have to admit that after the rant I had, my husband made it home early and was ready with 2 minutes to spare.  Very happy wife and mommy today!   The kids had a great time.  Gracen was a little nervous at first, but soon warmed up.  It was amazing to see that she kinda understood that everything was "just pretend". The theme of this year's Wyle party was Toy Story.  She was so excited to see Woody, Jesse, and Buzz.  I can't wait until Tuesday when Toy Story 3 comes out.  I guess Santa might have to deliver some of that stuff too :).  I just keep telling myself that dad is watching from Heaven.  It's days like this I would've called him.  He would've immediately inquired about his "baby girl" and how she reacted to everything.  *sigh*

Tomorrow I am taking Gracen to the fall festival at St. John's.  I am going to leave Parker here with GG.   I really wanted to show him off, but it's supposed to be chilly, and I know Gracen will be a handful.  I'm so hesitant about going back to that school.  I know I'm going to be sad that I'm not there any more with my co-workers and the kids.  I will be so excited to see my class from last year!

A void...

Well, we got back from dinner night not too long ago.  Just when I think I can go there and come home feeling okay, I'm wrong.  Just such an awful void.  I want him to be there so badly.  I honestly cannot even imagine how mom must feel, living in that house.  Stephen is leaving Halloween night to go to NC, and I was going to stay at Mom's with the kids, but I have nooooooooooo desire too.  I'm dreading it.

I have been asked by several people, for a copy of the eulogy I wrote for my dad's services.  I really enjoyed writing this eulogy and enjoyed giving it even more.  Obviously, I didn't enjoy the fact that my dad had passed, but it was certainly an honor to write it for such an awesome person.  I am attaching it to this post.  It's full of incorrect punctuation, etc., but it was only ever meant to be a "cheat sheet" for me to use.  In fact, some of the things may or may not be on there because I actually improvised while up on the altar.  I'm anxious to share it for all those who wanted a copy and for those who were not there that evening to hear how much I loved/love my dad.  I still go to bed at night, rehearsing these words.  I'm not sure why.  Just like I'm not sure why tonight, I feel like he just died yesterday.  I'm sad.  I'm sorry if you, the reader, are tired of  hearing about this.  I just can't seem to move past it; hence why I created the blog. 

It’s 2 o’clock in the morning, and I’m sitting here in the dark with only the light of my computer screen.  Dad died not even 24 hours ago.  It still isn’t real.

For weeks now, I had this ugly feeling that death was creeping up on us.  And I knew without a doubt that I wanted to pay tribute somehow to the man I was privileged enough to call dad and that my children were blessed enough to call, “Poppy”. 

You know, they say when people die that God needed another angel or that He missed that person so much that he couldn’t stand to be without them for another minute so he called them home.  I’m not sure what I believe or what I understand but I think it’s because this world isn’t necessarily something for us to understand.  Sometimes bad things just happen; good people get sick.  It’s just part of life and we have to hope and believe that there is something better beyond this life for us.

My dad was the most kind, caring, and loving man I’ll ever know.  I mean, he was just awesome and there are no words to describe what a wonderful person he was.  If you are sitting here right now, you were blessed enough to have known him even in some small way.  Mom Mom and Pop Pop, make no mistake about how much he loved you and all his siblings, in-laws, nieces and nephews…..anyone who he spent every evening with or every weekend with.  He would’ve done anything for you and did while he was here.  Mom, you were his rock.  I know I told you that.  My mom spent a lot of time with my dad….nearly two months she stayed at the hospital with him, day and night.  It was her home.  So one day dad and I were talking and he jokingly mentioned to me that I would need to buy mom a crossword puzzle or something because he couldn’t watch her straighten clothes or bathroom toiletries one more time.  So, I’m sorry mom…sometimes we had a laugh at your expense.  But one day, Stephen Spalding, dad, and me were all sitting around talking and Stephen Spalding and I were giving mom a hard time and dad looked at us very sternly and he said:  “Watch it now, she has been my rock here.”  I’ll always remember that.  Stephen, he was the most proud dad in the world to have you as a son.  You are so much like him in so many ways, and he saw that.  To my husband Stephen, dad loved you and had so much respect for you and everything you did.  And not just because you took me off of his hands…remember he used to say no returns or refunds?  And to my children, Gracen and Parker, I will spend every day telling you stories about how much your Poppy loved you and how he would’ve done anything for you.  I always say that I never really knew the full potential of my dad until he became a grandfather.  That…is where he really shined, and I’m so happy I was able to see that.

To say that Dad endured hell here on earth the last two months is an understatement.  And I don’t know anyone that could’ve accepted it and dealt with it with the complete grace and dignity that my dad did. (Mention Nelson building at Hopkins) He was full of faith and love the entire time, and I have no doubt that his suffering earned him a first class flight to heaven.  It’s easy for people to say, He’s in heaven now with all the angels.  But truly, I tell you, I have no doubt that he really is.  After dad passed, my little girl Gracen, whom he loved dearly, went in and held his hand and kissed him…so grown up for a two year old.  My little boy, Samuel Parker, laughed and laughed at dad just like he always did….except this time I believe Sammy Parker was laughing at the beautiful angels that were taking dad to heaven to be with his sisters and family waiting there for him.

Lastly, I cannot stand up here without saying how thankful I am to have such a large and extended family on both sides.  To my dad’s sisters and brother and their families, my grandparents included…these last two months would not have been possible without your love and support and of course, your ability to watch my kids whenever and wherever needed.   I know that the coming days, weeks, months, and years will be trying ones, but I also know that we will all get through it together…and dad would’ve wanted it that way.  When my dad was younger, he wanted Deacon Somerville to ask God why He kept giving him so many sisters.  Well, dad, I’m sure you figured it out, but now you really know why.  And Jeff….didn’t want to leave you out…you know he thought the world of you. 

Do not weep for us because we had the best…we had the best husband, the best dad, the best uncle, the best brother, the best son.  I weep for those who never knew him.

And so it is with a heavy heart that I say good-bye to your earthly body, dad.  Teach St. Joseph a thing or two about his carpentry skills, okay?  Please watch my kids from Heaven.  I love you.

"The righteous perish,
and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
to be spared from evil.

Those who walk uprightly
enter into peace;
they find rest as they lie in death."
Isaiah 57:1-2

SHE'S GOING TO GET WORMS!.....AND....The afternoon from Hell...

I know my mom is screaming at the screen right now if she is reading this, while calling me at the same time.  Gracen and I made a cake this afternoon. It's our Wednesday night dinner over at Mom and Dad's, and I was waiting for the perfect time to make our Halloween cake.  I just HAD to let her lick the beater, right?  I don't think it turned out too badly for a sheet cake!

Ugh, what an afternoon.  After lunch, Gracen played and watched tv and Parker hung out in his exersaucer while I swept and mopped the floors.  No, that's not the hellish part.  The hellish part was trying to get her down for a nap.  I'm trying to figure out what she ate that had her so revved up but she would not lay down. At one point, I walked out of the room with Parker and told her not to follow.  She did of course, and I "chased" her back up onto her bed.  I told her she better lay down where she very promptly went full force with her forehead into her headboard.  LOVELY.  I checked it out...they'll be a spunk knot there, but now I'll be checking on her every five minutes.  Head injuries...big or small....make me so paranoid.  Oh yeah, did I mention that was right after Parker rolled off of her bed.  Even more scary :(.  He was quite scared but seems very okay.  He is asleep now which I know I wasn't supposed to let him do...but it's his nap time.  I will be tickling him every 5 minutes as well.  Ugh...I will be glad when the evening is over, and I can rest easily.  Most of the time I pray that I don't hear a peep from them for about 2-3 hours.  Now I'll be happy to hear them rustling about.  I swear, I am anything but a neglectful parent....stupid sometimes, maybe...but not neglectful. 

Anyway, I have Parker sleeping next to me on the couch so I can keep tabs on him.  The house is pretty clean so my soap (General Hospital) is on now.  I wish I could take a small nap, but I'm too afraid to not keep watch over them!  I also want to keep watch on the sky too!  We are under a Tornado Watch---hate it! At least I have my WeatherBug to keep me informed though (Leslie) hahahaha.

I'm still getting used to the blogging thing. I'm not sure if it's acceptable to blog multiple times a day or just once at the end of the day.  Weigh in, would ya?  I'll just be here working on my Mother of the Year award. 

ONE DAY I'll be able to sleep in my own bed, by myself, all night and my kids will sleep in until 9!

Hahahaha....love my children but what horrible sleepers they are!  They are the most restless children in the world.  (I know you are wondering about that sound machine.)  The sound machine worked again, but Parker had a restless nice.  When I finally picked him up about 6, he burped 3 times and then got the hiccups in his sleep.  Poor little guy...no wonder why he was rolling around.  Oh my children and their digestive issues.  Parker has been on Neutramigen since about 9 weeks old, and I'm hoping to switch him to something like Good Start or Similac soon.  He gets Good Start when he goes to bed at night and I put his Zantac in it.  He has done pretty well.  I'm just too chicken to switch him over completely!  Neutramigen is soooooooooooo expensive though....$32 a can!  Seriously, formula manufacturers, does it really cost that much to make?  I highly doubt it. 

So right around 7:00, I hear the moaning from Gracen's room.  Parker had been in bed with me for about a half hour and was sleeping soundly and then Stephen brings her in and plops her down and she is ready to play.  I spent the next 20 minutes trying to get her to be quiet and lay down until I realized it was no use. 

"Mom, I say morning to Parker."
"No, he is asleep.  Leave him alone please."
"Parker, hold my hand, Park."
"Gracen, he's ASLEEP."
"Okay, I tell him night.  Night Parker, Wuv you, (Smooch)."  She then looks up at me and says, "So sweet." 

All I can do is chuckle to myself. My little girl also has quite the imagination.  She loves the Backyardigan's episode about Pirate Treasure so she commonly refers to herself as Pirate Pablo.  I am "Pirate Urika (Uniqua)," and Parker is Captain Tyrone.  Often times when I can't get her attention or I need her to do something, I call for Pirate Pablo and he's right there.  haha

I had to share....

Sorry for all the posts today, but I had to post this one last thing.  This was a comment that a friend of mine (and old co-worker) posted to my facebook wall.  I just think it's so beautifully written and couldn't go to bed tonight until it was shared.  Looks like she should have a blog all her own... :)  Thanks, Tabbetha.

I think this is really going to help you express yourself Shannon! I enjoyed reading your blog thus far and even cried a bit. I'm sure you may be tired of people telling you this - but you know your Dad would not want you missing out on spending/making/continuing wonderful memories with your babies...don't miss out on that hayride! Go and celebrate your traditions and celebrate all the good memories you have in honor of your Dad! He wants you to be happy - over time, the tears will always make ways to come about but...eventually those smiles and laughs will overcome those tears. Trust me - I speak from experience having lost my mom at such a young age. Keep on going! And remember, everyone will be back together one day!

As promised....

As promised, here are some pictures of Gracen's award winning hair cut.  As an added bonus, I've included others of our evening outside...

Gracen always has a blast playing with daddy's $500 + fly fishing rod and daddy loves teaching her.

And the worst hair cut award goes to.....

Caught your attention, didn't it?  No, it's not me....rather my daughter instead.  Poor thing.  She has some pretty thick, yet very fine hair.  There's really only one way to cut it so that it doesn't get on my nerves....straight across bangs.  It's really not the hair dresser's fault.  I'll just be super happy in about a week when her bangs grow out a bit, and she doesn't look so "Amish".  Dad used to always say that after I would get her hair cut. :)  I'll post a picture later if I can get her to sit still for that long! 

Here I sit, goldfish in hand, laptop in my....well....lap, tv on, kids asleep, and 3 loads of laundry folded.  I have honestly never seen a four person house produce so much laundry.  I guess it all comes from having a baby. As Gracen has gotten older, and less messy, I rarely have to do laundry for her.  Parker, on the other hand, is always spitting up, or getting food on himself or something! Don't you just love the smell and feel of fresh laundry, though?  I know I do!

It is unseasonably warm here in Clements today....76 degrees and counting!  By Thursday it is supposed to be 80!  I don't like 80 in October.  I am a summer girl for sure, but when it's fall and winter then it needs to feel like it!  I am going to take the kids to the SJS fall festival on Friday and it's supposed to be in the 50s...brrrrrr.  I might try to get someone to watch Parker that day so I don't have to take him out.  I really want to show him off though! 

The beauty of where I live is astounding...especially this time of year.  Having lived on a farm most of my life, I have a great appreciation for changing leaves and a cool breeze.  Right now, I live across from a farm...a corn maze farm actually so this is prime season for them.  I was looking out the window this morning and thinking how I love where I live.  It's so beautiful and peaceful here.  Just a short 15 minutes away is Solomon's Island and every Spring and Summer, I never hesitate to repeat over and over again how much I love where I live and how lucky I am to be so close to such a place.  I LOVE getting out into the city, but THIS is where I belong.  Well, I really belong in Hollywood, MD, but that will come with time. 

I can't wait to take the kids out to trick-or-treat on Thursday and Sunday.  They are going to be adorable and Gracen is so excited about her first "real" Halloween experience.  She helped me make Halloween bags today and was actually pretty good at it.  Sometimes I think she is a really smart little cookie for her age.  Sammy Parker will be the parrot this year and Gracen will be a pirate.  Perfect, I think.  Check out their costumes :).















I did some Christmas shopping this morning, which always makes me feel good. Toys R Us is offering free shipping on orders over $100 now...can't beat that.  I got Gracen the Little Mommy Doll, Barbie roller skates, and then a tub toy for Parker.  Poor Parker..Santa better start looking into what he can get Sammy Parker or Gracen's pile will like look a mountain compared to his!  I'm also thinking about purchasing the Step 2 toy box.  My cousin has them for her children, and she loves them.  I'm going to measure Gracen's closet tonight and see if it will fit in there.  Her room is so small....if I could hide something, that would be great!  In addition, I could store her shoes on the shelves that it has. 

Unfortunately, I just got some really sad news about a good friend's mother who just passed away.  I've come to the conclusion that losing a parent is hard at any age, although I would like to think I would be a little less sad if dad had been 86 instead of 56.  Waaaaaaaaaaaaay too young I tell you.  The unfortunate part is that death is a part of life, and we all have to deal with it at some point (written in a card to me by one of my previous students---love it).        

Guess I better get on the ball, off my @#$ and clean this place up before Stephen comes home.  I'm sure he'll be late so I guess I have time.  He'll wonder what I did all day!  Wiping butts and having food spit at you is such a glorious job :).                 

O Holy Night!

Just wanted to give everyone a heads up on a super cheap product I found last night!  It's the Homemedics SoundSpa Lullaby Machine.  Parker has been a fan of white noise since his birth.  He has a little lamb that my aunt gave  him when he was born....it has been a lifesaver, but cuts off after 45 minutes.  I needed something that played all night long, and this was the ticket! 

 I highly recommend it! 

Busy weekend!

Wow, what a busy weekend....yard sale Saturday and Toy Story on Ice yesterday.  What a cool show!  As I predicted, Gracen was petrified...but at least it only lasted the first half.  After intermission, she watched in awe, and by the end of the show, she was dancing with Camden.  It really was a very entertaining show...even for adults!  If you can, go watch it!  See my pics below and video :).



So as I was saying, busy weekend and now a busy week!  Tonight we have to head out to Target and BJs and to get hair cuts for everyone (except me).  Parker is getting his first hair cut as his hair is growing over his ears.  Stephen is ticked because we have to go out.  I swear, I'm just tired of the struggle. There are certain things we have to do sometimes....sorry!  He made mention that this week was getting away from him....well, it's only Monday.  The only thing I can think of is that he's headed to NC on Sunday (after the kids trick or treat), and he wants to tie flies or God only knows what.  I wish he had a better sense of time.  Plain and simple, Stephen hates having a schedule (he doesn't steal it), and hates organization...two things you absolutely need when raising kiddos.  Anyway, he's a good boy and works hard, and I obviously love him.  Sometimes I just feel like the simplest thing is so difficult.  Of course, he's not going to like the idea of having to eat at Panera or whatever either (spending money).  There's no way we can have a normal dinner, head out and do that stuff, and then be home at a reasonable time...just no way. 

Thursday we are heading to my aunt's work for their Halloween party--this is always a big hit. They put on an awesome show and the kids get to trick or treat.  I ordered Parker a parrot costume today.  It was really cheap and so was the expedited shipping.  It looks adorable, and since Gracen is being a pirate, Parker will be the perfect accessory! 

Sunday, of course, is Halloween.  In keeping with a tradition (probably for 6 years or so now), my family is also having the annual hayride on the farm.  I started this tradition with my dad years ago.  I don't think I can attend this year.  It would be too sad for me.  I don't want my kids to miss out, but it really always did feel like something my dad and I talked about and weighed in on with one another every year.  Ugh....here come those feelings.  I've been thinking about him a lot anyway with the approach of this "holiday".  I miss him so much, and I know that he can "see" my kids from Heaven, but it's obviously not the same.  Anyway, like I said....don't think I can go.  The kids' naptimes fall right smack in the middle of it anyway.  I remember the exact hospital room, time, and place when I briefly discussed it with my dad this year.  I never thought in a million years that he wouldn't make it.  The thought crossed my mind that he would probably have to watch from the sidelines....but not the sidelines of Heaven.  It's funny though, because lately (the past couple of days), I haven't really felt like it's all real.  I know that sounds silly.  I know he's gone, but in a way, it still feels like he's in the hospital or something.  I don't know.....hard to describe.

I just read the facebook posts of two people and they talk about Christmas being 2 months from today.  I'm still very much looking forward to it....Gracen really understands this year, and it'll be fun having two.  There's always a sadness that hits me after the smile though.  I guess it'll always be that way.

Both of my kids are sleeping pretty hard.  I'm going to finish up some laundry and maybe take a little cat nap.  Later ya'll!

My dad and Allison on the hayride.  This was probably the first one.  Ally looks to be about 2....5 years ago?

Exhausted!

Well, today was the big yard sale day---I am no longer a virgin!  I had a great experience...made quite a few $$$ and am ready to do it again in the spring!  It was very cleansing.  I am so tired though!  I just had to blog before I went to bed though....something sad happened today :(.

I let Gracen go over to my cousin's house after the yardsale to play with her little boy and girl.  I arrived a short time later and was hanging out there when my cousin's dad (my uncle) showed up.  My aunt exclaimed to her grandkids, "Say hi to Poppy."  Well, Poppy is also what Gracen calls/called my dad.  Her eyes shot up in excitement...as if she was going to see her Poppy standing there.  Quite honestly, I am crying just typing about it.  That was one of the most heart wrenching things I have had to deal with since my father's death, and I'm not sure I'll get over it any time soon.  Something so simple, and yet so complex.  She was over it way before I was or ever will be, but something about seeing the disappointment in your child.  It's so awful.  The most awful part is that I cannot fix it.  This is a permanent problem with no solution.  Poppy will never come back, and it kills me all the time....but especially on days like this.  Needless to say, I cried the whole way home and then again when I told my husband about it. I want to tell my mom, but she doesn't need to hear it---too sad.  You know, Gracen has become more and more attached to her Pop Bunny, and she talks about dad being in the sky and being an angel with Jesus in heaven very often.  They say that children are so innocent that they see, hear, and feel things that adults do not.  I hope dad is visiting her.  I hope she feels him around her all the time.

And so it's with much sadness that I say good night to you, friends.  I dread going to sleep because I think that picture will play in my head a thousand times over before I drift off.  Nite ya'll.

It's a bird...it's a plane...no, IT'S POP BUNNY!

Samuel Parker Armsworthy was born March 22, 2010.  Easter landed two weeks later.  My dad, being the sucker he was for Gracen, arrived one day in the week prior to Easter, bearing a gift for her. It was a store bought-ready made Easter basket.  It had about 3 pieces of candy in...(the M&Ms were the only things she could eat)...and a pink, soft Easter bunny.  I laughed and laughed at this Easter basket...so sweet, yet completely something that Gracen couldn't do anything with, except for the bunny.  I thought it was cute of my dad, but we all just laughed about it being something that dad would do...pick up an Easter basket from the pharmacy or wherever...now it means so much to me. 

The bunny eventually ended up downstairs in a tub marked "Gracen's first stuff animals". When dad got sick though, I brought it back upstairs and Gracen has slept with it every night since July.  We lovingly refer to it as "Pop Bunny".  Pop Bunny spends many hours having tea parties, birthday cake, etc.  She never leaves him out.   A piece of dad is always with Gracen.  Oh yeah, Pop Bunny likes to take naps too. 

Last night I asked dad to help me out with this yard sale we are having tomorrow.  I often ask dad to help me now.  I had trouble with it at first, but then I remember, it's dad...and he would do anything for us. 
So, today when Mary Helen was helping me tag stuff, she said, "I found a dime!  Do you know what that means?  It means your dad is looking out for you!"  She then explained to me that she was told that when you find dimes lying around it means that a deceased loved one is looking out for you.  Strange, huh?  She said she finds them in the craziest places. If you don't believe me, google it!  I know my dad is all around me, but it helps to have a sign every now and again. :)

And speaking of Mary Helen....big shout out to her!  LOVE that lady.  Mary Helen is one of those people in life that you are sooooooooooo super happy you are friends with ....and that friendship never dies.  She is a jack of all trades and can do anything.....always willing to help ANYONE with ANYTHING they need.  When I was younger (around 15)...I started baby-sitting for her children.  At that time, there were 4 of them, and then her family grew to 6.  They are the BEST kids in the world and range in age from 11-20.  The youngest is my Godson and recently, Mary Helen became Godmother to my little boy.  She and her husband and children are my second family, and I love them to pieces!  So happy I found them 16 years ago!

Super high hopes about my yard sale tomorrow. I have a ton of stuff to sell, and I hope it goes. I could really use the extra change to pick up some Christmas gifts for the kids or some clothing for them. 

My children are both sleeping now, and I'm thinking about joining them for at least 20 minutes.  Oh yeah, I finally decided to open this up to the "public".  I hope they don't think I'm too corny!

Love you all!

Well.......

I was going to go ahead and add on to today's post, but I thought I would just start another.  Yesterday, as I was saying, mom, Gracen, and me were up in Waldorf....Toys R Us, the mall, etc.  Then we had family dinner night at Mom's.  Oh how I love it and dread it all at the same time.  I think it's good.  Well, I know it's a great thing.  I wish we had done it when dad was alive.  I swear, I always think that I'm going to hear his truck come in the driveway or hear the screen door open.  He would always wipe his feet a couple of times at the door...maybe whistle a bit...call for Gracen.  I can see his grey t-shirt and flannel jacket...his bow legs and steel toe boots.  I can smell him too.  I have a hunting jacket of his that I sleep with at night.  It smells awful, but it smells like dad--haha.  Last night, my husband and my brother were out in his garage.  They had the light on...and for a split second I could look out the sunroom window and pretend that was dad on a usual evening.  I always leave out of that driveway looking at the pole barn...looking at the tractors, his boat, gadgets he collected, etc. Tonight was emotional for me as we walked through Lowes.  I thought of dad doing that and also thought of him as I looked through the Christmas stuff.  Not that dad was totally in to Christmas, but he enjoyed it when the grandkids came along.  When I was little, my Pop Pop (his dad) used to make his annual visits to everyone's house to see what Santa brought and dad was doing that with Gracen.  Kills me that he couldn't continue that tradition.  I guess I'm getting ahead of myself with the holidays, but I know it's coming. I just keep trying to think of what dad told me in my dream. 

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday to my MIL, Betty Lynn!  What a great lady, and my kids love her to pieces!

I am getting pretty excited over the prospect of having two kids to tutoring (hopefully starting next week).  I'm also getting excited about the yard sale we are having on Saturday.  I'm hoping it's not too late in the season.  I have a ton of stuff to get rid of and wouldn't mind some pocket change either. 

Well, I guess I'm going to go rot my mind with the last episode of Jersey Shore.  Why not, right?

I had a dream...

I didnt' get a chance to write yesterday...busy at Toys R Us...mall, etc.  Super busy this morning too, but I wanted to share an e-mail that I wrote to my family this morning.  This sums it all up.  I'm off to lunch in a little bit, but I'll have more to share about yesterday and today when I get back. 

Hi guys,

 

I had a dream last night that I wanted to share with you.  It probably sounds really silly, but it was so real and so powerful that I think it needs to be shared.

 

Dad was in my dream last night.  We were at the house.  Kate Roth was there of all people (Stephen's ex).  I was over to the side crying and over to the other side was dad.  He was sitting on the couch, and he was looking at the collage of himself. As I was crying (and I must have been in my sleep too), he looked over his shoulder at me and said in typical dad fashion, "Why are you crying.  There is nothing to cry about."  I wish I could've had more time in my dream but then my husband's alarm clock sounded....ugh!

 

It may sound dumb and yet so simple, but I think it speaks volumes.  That isn't to say I will never cry about dad, obviously, but that dream (at least for now) has brought me a lot of comfort.  I hope it does the same for you.  Right after he died, I had a dream about him too.  I was holding his hand, and it was sooooooooooo real.  I woke up still feeling like I was holding it. 

 

I truly hope these are dad's little ways of reaching us from Heaven. 

 

Kristen and Teresa, please pass along to Jeff and your mom if you feel the need to....and Mom Mom and Pop Pop if it helps.  I had to type it because it's too emotional for me to say. 

 

I hope you guys have a great day!

 

Love, Shannon

The Truck on the Hill

My dad drove a truck....a big truck...a Silver, Ford, F250 truck.  If you saw this truck on the road, you knew who was in it.  It's not to say there wasn't another truck like it, but everyone knew that Sam had this truck. 

My grandparents' driveway would not be complete on evenings and weekends if "the truck" wasn't parked there. In fact, it's not complete, and I think it will be a very long time before anyone can look at that driveway and not say something is missing there.

When I spoke with my aunt yesterday (who works where my dad did), she told me she had an emotional morning because she saw dad's truck.  I hadn't thought much about that truck until this conversation.  I know that the day he died, I wanted it out of the driveway and so some very good people came to remove it.  The truck was the biggest symbol of my dad...it was what alerted us to "Poppy" being at home when we pulled in or that it was Poppy coming home if we were already there.  I asked my aunt what they were doing with it.  It was the company truck so I assumed it was being passed down to whomever had taken his place.  My aunt informed me that they were going to sell it; trade it in. 
"Why?" I asked. 
"Because no one will drive it.  There is only one person that belongs in that truck." 

I can't explain why or how proud that makes me.  People thought so much of my dad that they would never try to fill his shoes.  His buddy, David, who has taken over his position, said that in no way would he drive that truck...no way.  The truck:  what a strange symbol....but a symbol nonetheless of a great man.  Please see my pictures below of the large turnout that came to pay their respects to my dad.  It was amazing...over a thousand people. 

Soooooooooooo....as you might well know or may have guessed by now, I'm going crazy staying at home.  I love being with my kids, I hate not having a paycheck.  My mom has told me over and over again to pray to my dad for work.  I have told her over and over again that my praying knees are a little tired and apprehensive these days after what happened to dad.  I finally broke down and said a word or two to him the other night.  Surprisingly, I'm getting small hits here and there of possible jobs.  Whether it be tutoring, at home work, etc.  Whatever it is, I hope it happens soon.  I am miserable. 

Not a ton to blog about today.  The kids have been good and are both sleeping now...hope that lasts!  I think the in-laws are coming for dinner tonight, but I'm not sure.  I'm super annoyed with my husband for various work/family related things, but I guess I can't elaborate on that---bummer!  I love that man dearly, but my how opposite we are!

I will say, before I go, that I'm really struggling with whether to open this blog up to the family or not.  I haven't really told anyone that I have a blog.  If they searched for it, they would find it, but I doubt they search without knowing I have one.  On one hand, it would be a great way to keep in touch with family out of state (and in state for that matter), but on the other hand I'm not sure if I am ready to open myself up to the world.  This blog has been so great for me though.  It's like an old friend whom I can't wait to see down and talk to during the day.  I wish I was smart enough to know how to open it up and have ads run on it...you know...to make money.  I'm not sure how many people would read it though-----therefore limiting the money making ad idea.  Whatever it is, I feel like things are working in a direction of ironing themselves out.  The minute-to-minute me is miserable......very much wanting things soon, if not now.  Then I sit back and sigh and realize that maybe this is what life is trying to teach me...to sit back....enjoy the ride.  Maybe I'm at this crossroads for a reason.  Who knows?  I guess I'll find out sooner or later, right?  Well, laundry is calling me....as it does every day.  Bye bye for now!

Oh where to begin?!

WOW. I would have to say that I feel quite productive today and quite guilty all at the same time.  I got so much accomplished, but my poor kids took a back seat all day.  Now they are taking their afternoon naps so I don't feel quite as guilty blogging right now.

Hmmm, well where to start.  I woke up this morning around 6 to my daughter screaming and crying, "Gracen want to get in the tubby!"  HUH?  Where did THAT come from?  My children will sleep through the night but not soundly.  They have never been good sleepers.  My dad always told me that was payback for how I was as a child...haha.  It's not funny now, dad!  So, anyway, she started ranting about that and woke up Parker who began to cry.  Eventually, I ended up with both of them in the bed.  She finally snapped out of it and wanted to play.  Somehow I managed to get both back to sleep.  Parker slept until about 7:15 and Gracen slept until about 7:45.  Oh what is wrong with my children??????????

Today---this morning---gave me a new resolve to write a letter to Georgetown University Hospital...commenting on the pitiful care my dad was given while being a patient there.  My mom keeps getting bills, and I don't believe she should have to pay them.  It's a long story, but I wouldn't send my DOG to Georgetown.  I wanted to write this letter months ago, when my dad was still living, but never had the chance to. Then after he died, I wrestled with doing it because I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing he was dead.  So, I finally did it and feel a thousand times better.  I am still waiting to draft a final letter with the help of my dad's sisters, but it's a good 6 pages and will probably be longer when it is all said and done.  I just want justice for my dad.  I don't want his death to be in vain.

While doing all of this, my poor kids had to fend for themselves.  I did manage to take them out to McDonald's to get a sweet tea and also a hamburger for Gracen since I felt so terrible about ignoring her all morning! McDonald's did nothing but annoy me.  I'm sorry....is it just me or does every person at every McDonald's just seem completely incompetent?  I'm not sure if it's the label that they have been given that makes them so bad or if they are just that bad?  It's like what came first, the chicken or the egg?  Well, I spent 15 unhappy minutes in the drive through line.  I ordered a sweet tea with no ice, a hamburger, and a McChicken sandwich with only pickles.  I left the window with a hamburger, sweet tea WITH ice, and a fish fillet. Seriously?  They are very few times where I go back to McDonald's to fix an incorrect order, but I had to do it this time.  I dragged both kids inside.  I carried Parker in his bucket seat and had Gracen by the hand.  Parker held all the food for me--haha.  I explained to them what had happened.  They were very apologetic and I walked away with an apple pie..HA...an apple pie.  I guess that's a good analogy for life, isn't it?  Whatever, sad as it may seem, I'll probably be back there again tomorrow, ordering my sweet tea.  McDonald's is like a train wreck I guess...you can't help but watch. 

It's 3:30 and about 45 minutes ago, I put both kids down for a nap.  I'm not sure what my son's problem is lately, but no nap would be complete without him waking up 30 minutes into it, screaming bloody murder.  Teeth?  I don't know, but it's sad and annoying at the same time.  What a mess!  I keep staring at the monitor. Everytime he flinches, I pray he doesn't wake up! The boy needs to sleep!  I wish I could let him do the "cry it out" method, but that has never worked with my kids.  I would love to know how many people have success with that.  I'm tired of reading about those kids, who after the 3rd or 4th night finally get it and life is bliss thereafter.  I firmly believe that my kids would scream until their vocal chords exploded.  In addition, the amount of time I let them scream equals the amount of time it takes them to come down off of their fit.  So, my life is easier, in some ways if I just hold them.  I keep thinking that by 5, it should all be cured, right? 

I really should be taking a nap right now, but I feel like I have so much to say.   In addition, I'm sure the minute I lay my head down, Parker will begin screaming again....or not....we can hope right. 

And here we go again....I'll be back to post pics later.

And....here they are! 

Bowles Farm!

Banana Bread and Sitting Up!



Carving Pumpkins!

(look at this next face...grossed out by pumpkin guts)





1 month and 61 years

My dad died a month ago today...September 17th.  61 years ago, my grandparents said, "I do". 

Happy Anniversary to my amazing maternal grandparents (my paternal ones are pretty amazing as well).  Growing up, I spent most of my days with Granny and Pop Lynch.  In fact, I still do.  Except now, my kids get to enjoy GG and Pop Pop.  GG and Gracen spend hours playing make-believe at least once or twice a week.  "Pop Pop" plays the guitar for Gracen while she dances and sings joyfully.  I treasure these moments so much.  I just don't understand why my parents didn't get to even make it to 33 years. :(

Here are Granny and Pop enjoying each other at their favorite place on earth!

Two of the coolest people I know.  Looking pretty good for 61 years, huh?

Stephen is not working on the boat today, which is very nice.  The boat money is good, but having him home can be better.  I say, CAN BE.   I'm still ticked out him for working 11 hours of overtime over the past 3 weeks and only claiming 2.  That's a whole blog in and of itself. 

We'll be going over to Hollywood (where I belong) this evening to carve pumpkins at Aunt Jenny's house with the kids.  God love her for being so gracious and having us.  I know it's not easy, but she's the only one with a huge garage!  Mommy is looking forward to having a margarita too---perhaps.  Jenny's margaritas are by far the best in the county!  She has them down to a science!

You couldn't ask for a prettier day than what we have here in good ol' St. Mary's.  It's 74 degrees without a cloud in the sky and breezy.  I can hear the comings and goings of the corn maze and pumpkin farm across the street.  All my windows are open.  I would like to say the kids are napping, but my monitor has just alerted me to the fact that Parker, AKA "The Situation," AKA "Man Man" is up.  1 hour nap...joy!  At least he is a pleasant little thing.  Oh if only mommy could've gotten in a nap too.  Oh well! Such is life.  'Til later, folks.