I'm trying with all my might to get back that warm and cozy feeling I used to get 'round this time of year. I remember, people at school would get so mad with me as they would walk by my classroom in the morning and hear Christmas music in mid-October. I was always getting in trouble for decorating too early or for not adhering to the fact that I had to at least wait for Advent to start. Nope, not me. I loved the Christmas season so much that I couldn't wait for that first cool morning so I could pop in my Josh Groban CD and sing away. Not this year.
Now, I can't say that I'm totally dreading the holiday season or not the least bit into it because I would be lying. I have had small moments of joy here and there as I have done my Santa shopping for the kids or like on Thursday when I did outlet shopping with the family. It's just really bothering me that I don't have that wonderful feeling that I normally get. I'm too sad. Everytime I get a glimmer of happiness, it is crushed by the great sadness of dad not being here. I'm not sad for me. I'm sad for my kids. He will miss Gracen's 3rd Christmas, and he never got to see Parker's first.
One of the things I've struggled with the most over the past few weeks is my inability to get back to my religion again. I really feel like one of the main reasons I was meant to step down from my job this year is that there would be no way I could go into a classroom and teach religion with my whole heart into it. I would welcome any input here as I have no idea why or what I'm feeling. I still believe in everything my Catholic religion teaches me. Do I believe in Jesus and Mary...the Holy Trinity...that he died on the cross? Yes. And I'm not outwardly upset with the Divine at all. I'm not angry (my brother on the other hand...yes). It's just that, well, for instance: I bought Gracen the Wiggles Christmas DVD. I love how it really incorporates songs like Silent Night and Away in a Manger into it to teach about the true meaning of Christmas. I LOVE these songs, and yet, when I heard them the other day...they didn't mean anything to me like they used to. I feel awful for saying that, but it was almost like I didn't want to hear them. I wanted to block them out or something. Just like when I go to pray at night. I just don't want to. The minute I open up my mind and mouth to talk to God, something shuts me off. It's a very weird feeling. I guess I almost feel a little betrayed or something. I don't know. I don't want to put my trust back into something/someone that I feel has really let me down. It's like a friendship that has gone bad. And then I go back, and I think, Shannon, you aren't that special. People lose loved ones every day but don't lose their faith. I guess it goes back to my mom and how much she has dedicated her life to Christ and serving him. You'd have to read her books to fully understand, but if my mom couldn't get a miracle for us, then who can get a miracle? How is that chosen? I'm just so hurt, and yes, I am angry...not a rage kind of angry, but I'm angry. And lately I've been feeling guilty for not going to church. I have not set foot in a church since my dad's funeral. Why am I feeling guilty? I don't know. That's my only answer to anything. And yet, I know that if God forbid, one of my children were to be ill or sick then I would be begging God for mercy, and I HATE hypocrits. Just like I'm sure we'll go to church on Christmas Eve/Day, and I don't want to be one of those holiday Catholics that I cringe just looking at. But I'm just not ready. I hope that one day I will be again. I don't want to do a disservice to my children. They need to be in church and raised in a Christ-like environment.
So, if you are reading this....pray for me please. I cannot pray for myself.
On another note, I have decided to seriously look for a part-time job. Things are too tight around here and it's really stressful on everyone. My husband works 7 days a week and "extras" cause fights. I need to get out anyway, put on some make-up, and make some money. In addition, I'm hoping it'll take my mind off things. Missing dad + no job and no money = one unhappy and depressed momma!
6 comments:
Here's hypocritical for ya: I don't believe, never have. I believe that Jesus was a real person (and a good one), but have a real hard time with all the rest. BUT, I go to church once, if not twice a week. It started because I wanted to at least expose the kids to everything and let them decide. All I do know now is that I enjoy going and usually feel better when I leave, and that I've met some wonderful people. The music at Kairos (tues night) is fabulous, like seeing a live Christian rock band every week, and the pastors at both places (Sundays I go to the Gathering)are very engaging and relate the scripture to everyday life, something I never got out of going to Catholic mass (sorry y'all). Meanwhile, I'm meeting with a lady every week who's helping me go through the Bible--so we'll see what happens. I'd like to believe but just not there yet. More in-depth blog post on this someday soon...
I'm curious about your mom's books!
And I know some others that have dealt with loss recently, and I think what you are feeling is very normal. You'll go back when you're ready. Love ya ((Hugs))
Dearest Shannon,
It's been a long time since I have spoken to you but we go way back. After just reading your post, I want to tell you how much I truly understand what you are going through. As I'm sure you know, I had a son named Noah that passed away in his sleep when he was only 6 weeks old. Thank God I was already involved in church and the understanding of God and his glory, because if I was not...there are endless possiblities of where I could be right now. Many say they would have just jumped off a bridge, and would hate God. But yet God helped give me so much understanding to what had happened in my life. Losing my baby boy is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Just listen to the silent gental talk from God and he will carry you through. He knows that we aren't perfect and He forgives us for doubting in Him. I know it is hard and I was still get angry sometimes when I think..."WHY ME" "WHY MY BABY BOY". You wonder the same questions about your father. When you wonder those questions, remember that God gave his ONLY son. We are no exception, and are no better than Him. But on a serious note, I really just thank God for all the time that I did have with Noah. Even though it wasn't long, I still got to touch him, smell him, hold him, feed him...There are some mothers that never get that chance. There are some children that never got to meet their dads. Just know how touched you are to have had such a wonderful father in your life. Just know how lucky you are to be surrounded by a beautiful family that loves you. I know for a fact that your family is in aw of your strength. You are teaching others through this journey as well. I will be around...I live back on the farm in good ol' Hollywood. If you EVER need someone to help lift you up or just to talk to, I am here. I know for me it is hard to talk to your family about your grieving because you don't want to upset anyone,etc. But to have someone you can talk to that has been down a similar path can help. I am here for you whenever you need me. I love you for your ability to talk and not keep all this bottled up. You are God's child and He will not let you fail. You will get through this and you will continue to flourish in taking care of your beautiful children and family. Keep your head up an just talk to Him sometimes. He will always be there for you. He has no intention in hurting you. As you can see I've been there and I could sit here and go on and on. So on that note...I hope this has helped you some and let me know if you ever need a helping heart:)
Dearest Shannon,
It's been a long time since I have spoken to you but we go way back. After just reading your post, I want to tell you how much I truly understand what you are going through. As I'm sure you know, I had a son named Noah that passed away in his sleep when he was only 6 weeks old. Thank God I was already involved in church and the understanding of God and his glory, because if I was not...there are endless possiblities of where I could be right now. Many say they would have just jumped off a bridge, and would hate God. But yet God helped give me so much understanding to what had happened in my life. Losing my baby boy is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Just listen to the silent gental talk from God and he will carry you through. He knows that we aren't perfect and He forgives us for doubting in Him. I know it is hard and I was still get angry sometimes when I think..."WHY ME" "WHY MY BABY BOY". You wonder the same questions about your father. When you wonder those questions, remember that God gave his ONLY son. We are no exception, and are no better than Him. But on a serious note, I really just thank God for all the time that I did have with Noah. Even though it wasn't long, I still got to touch him, smell him, hold him, feed him...There are some mothers that never get that chance. There are some children that never got to meet their dads. Just know how touched you are to have had such a wonderful father in your life. Just know how lucky you are to be surrounded by a beautiful family that loves you. I know for a fact that your family is in aw of your strength. You are teaching others through this journey as well. I will be around...I live back on the farm in good ol' Hollywood. If you EVER need someone to help lift you up or just to talk to, I am here. I know for me it is hard to talk to your family about your grieving because you don't want to upset anyone,etc. But to have someone you can talk to that has been down a similar path can help. I am here for you whenever you need me. I love you for your ability to talk and not keep all this bottled up. You are God's child and He will not let you fail. You will get through this and you will continue to flourish in taking care of your beautiful children and family. Keep your head up an just talk to Him sometimes. He will always be there for you. He has no intention in hurting you. As you can see I've been there and I could sit here and go on and on. So on that note...I hope this has helped you some and let me know if you ever need a helping heart:)
You've always been and always will be in my prayers. You are SO STRONG, Shannie2. Give yourself credit for being able to talk about your feelings and reaching out to others for support. You are grieving your fathers passing and that's what you're supposed to do. You're doing everything right. You're questioning your faith because you're following your heart and listening to it. It doesn't mean that you'll never find your faith again, it just means that right now, you have a lot of questions that need to be answered and it takes time to dig for those answers. Take your time. It's yours to take. Enjoy your children and make new memories with your family. And make sure you take time for you and for you and Rockstar. You deserve it! Love ya girl!
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