You know, my kids are playing nicely in the floor, and I should be sweeping, but I've had such a rapid flurry of thoughts over the past couple of days, that I wanted to put fingers to keyboard. And deep thoughts naturally equal that I've been thinking about dad. Sorry, readers. But, hey, this one might be a little more insightful and not so bad so keep reading.
Everytime I have gotten excited about this holiday season---from Santa shopping, to watching movies with the kids, I immediately have a sad feeling come over. Of course, it's then I remember that dad is gone. But lately, I've tried hard to combat that feeling. Because when I think about it, what is that SAD feeling really going to do for me and my family.? The answer: absolutely nothing.
I really believe that often when people remember deceased loved ones (especially during the holiday season), we automatically think we have to remember them with sadness. It's a given that the minute you start talking about grandma or grandpa or mom or dad that have left this world, that our eyes turn downward and we give a deep sigh. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that people sometimes think if you don't remember them with sadness then you don't remember them at all. I mean, I have even found myself feeling guilty about being happy about Christmas. In fact, it happened just this morning when I was in the car listening to Christmas music. I was happy, singing along, and then BAM. My mood immediately changed. I actually felt guilty about being so happy. Yes, my dad is gone, and it is sad, but I have a choice every single day when I get up: I can be happy or I can be sad. Just because I make a choice to be happy, does not mean that I have forgotten about dad or am any less sad. It doesn't mean that I don't have my moments of weeping throughout the day or at night when I go to bed. But, it's OK to be happy. It's okay to let that in. Sometimes it's a little easier said than done, but it really is a choice. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day will be a sad one for all of us. In fact, I'm pretty much dreading all of it; especially Christmas Day when we go to my paternal grandparents house as we do every year. It's a very small house, and I imagine that there will be a great sadness looming over all of it, along with some tears. Did I mention I was DREADING it? Anyway, I hope that somehow, we can all find the strength to hold it together and be happy for all the Christmases we did have with dad and remember, above all, that he is happy now and not in pain anymore. And you know what? I actually feel my dad around me more than ever these days. I look all around my house, and there isn't one thing in here that he hasn't touched; from the bookshelves in Gracen's room, to the fence outside my basement stairs, to the window sills in my bedroom. He's everywhere. I KNOW he is, and that brings me great comfort. This year, one of dad's hats will be our tree topper, and I don't care how redneck that is. I recently had a beautiful BW picture hung in each of my kids' rooms.....one is of Gracen and dad in the garden and the other is of dad holding Samuel Parker as he slept in his hospital bed. My dad is watching over my kids, always....just not in the way I want him to. He's watching over all of us. In addition, dad is great at getting prayers answered more rapidly and speedily. It's amazing how quickly I can send prayers up and how quickly I get a response these days.
My mom said she won't put up a tree this year. And I have to ask, Will that make her any less sad? No, probably not. Dad wouldn't want it to be that way either. He would want us all to be happy and carry on because he surely is. So, I hope she puts one up...for her sake and her grandchildren. If I avoided everything that reminded me of dad or that dad built, I wouldn't even be able to live in my own house. And as I said before, these things are all easier said than done, but when looked at closely, are the biggest and truest cliches you will ever find.
So I am hoping this blog a) helps me to really believe what I'm writing and stay true to it and b) might help someone else out there.
And one last thought, I'm happy for my Aunt Karen. She has her brother to spend Christmas with this year.
No comments:
Post a Comment