A new resolve...

I woke up yesterday morning with a new resolve...I was going to cook dinner!  In the 3 1/2 years I've been married, I have only cooked for my husband twice... and it wasn't pretty and had very little effort involved.  Stephen has always cooked and always loved to cook because, well, he loves to eat.  However, he has often voiced his discontent at the fact that I don't cook....or really refuse to....until now.

My first dish was shrimp scampi over pasta.  And you know what?  It wasn't too bad!  My husband even liked it, and he is SUPER picky.  And trust me, he would either say nothing or definitely tell me if it was awful.  My second dish, which was this evening, was 3 cheese lasagna. Not as good but still good enough for all of us to eat and my hubby to take some leftovers for lunch tomorrow.  I'm pretty proud of myself!

Stephen and I have had our fair share of disagreements and woes lately and so I decided that I would step it up a notch.  We're always complaining about how the other one either doesn't listen or doesn't change or just "doesn't" get it.  So, I thought I would be the first to start.  And the result?  Surprisingly good.  We had a great night and my husband was more pleasant than ever.  Truly proving the phrase that, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."  Then again, I guess I always knew that about Stephen.

On another note, I'm having some pretty anxiety ridden days lately.  The money I make in tutoring is just not cutting it for income for me (I only have one client).  I do have a possible position opening up for me in the near future which would require working two days a week, for 10 hours a day.  Really, I would prefer to do it that way and don't mind the long days.  It's leaving my kids (and getting them to a sitter) that I do mind and that makes me extremely nervous.  You know, it's funny how last year when I was working (and before that), I would have no problem getting up, leaving them, and going to work.  It's different now for some reason.  Maybe it's the enormous amount of time I have spent with them since June 12th or so. OR maybe it's the fact that my mom won't watch them (what a completely awesome thing that was).  I really wish I knew of a REALLY reliable college student or friend that would watch them two days a week at my home.  Better yet, I REALLY wish that I would get a response back to what seems like millions of e-mails I have sent out responding to job postings for medical transcriptionists.  I am so frustrated.  I can't seem to land one, and I'm perfectly qualified.  And then, on the other hand, if I could get a total of 3 or 4 more children to tutor, I wouldn't be worried about finding a job at all. 

I can't say that we are dirt poor right now.  We are making the bills and Christmas is almost covered.  It's just hard....REALLY hard.  I felt bad about getting my hair cut last night, and I haven't had it cut in two months.  We're supposed to get our Christmas pictures taken on the 29th, and I'm trying to figure out where that money is going to come from.  Having to ask your spouse for money just plain sucks.  Especially when he is Ebonezer incarnate.  I would do anything to have my own paycheck again; to go to Target and buy what I need without batting an eye.  This is miserable, but I have to constantly remind myself that I sit here with a roof over my head, listening to the heat running.  A part-time job would give me just the right amount of money I need and still allow me to stay home with the kids.  And then oh wait, there's the cost of daycare.  I can't win. 

I'm sorry if this rant has seemed like a rant...or maybe even a whine.  I am just so completely stressed out about it all that no words could even begin to describe it.  I'm going to bed and praying to my dad for some help on the matter.  I have to say, he gets the job done pretty quickly most of the time.  Nite all.