Last year we celebrated in a hospital room. This year we will mourn at a gravesite. My dad would've turned 57 tomorrow had he not lost his battle with cancer. I have never really reflected upon just how young 57 is until I've had to project it as a "could've been/would've been situation". Fifty-seven is entirely too young to meet The Maker.
I have bittersweet memories of last year's birthday. Sweet, because my dad was still with us. Bitter, because he was so drugged up that he was giddy one minute and angry and in pain the next. Bitter, because my children couldn't play with him. Bitter, because we had to take turns going in and out of his small little room. Bitter, because I had to watch my grandparents cry. Bitter, because I had no idea that he would be taken from us 13 days later.
Yes, in 13 days, our year of "firsts" will end: first holidays without dad, first birthdays without dad, etc.
Dad became an angel on September 17, 2010.
I have to shamefully admit that for years and years, I didn't fully understand the punishment that was given to Adam and Eve....and to the rest of us for the sin they committed. And now I totally get it. In theory, if Adam and Eve had never committed the first sin, none of us would have Original Sin and we would all live forever. However, because of Adam and Eve we all had to experience mortality. None of us will live forever on earth. Thus, Jesus died on the cross to save us from sin so that we may have eternal life in Heaven. LIGHT BULB: God gave humans the worse punishment ever; death. In my opinion, there is no greater punishment than the absolute permanence and finality of death. Nothing.
The nights are always the worse, which probably explains why I'm pouring my heart and thoughts out on to paper at this very moment. For weeks, I've been thinking of what I would do on Dad's birthday. I had an idea that I would hide out at my house; away from everyone. I'm beginning to think that's not the best idea.
Tomorrow, Dad will be remembered at the 11:30 mass at St. John's. I am the one who asked that it be on that day. What was I thinking? I know a good majority of my family will be going, but I am sorry to say that I'm not sure I am ready for that. In essence, all of my family gathered in memory of my father is too closely related to his funeral...all we are missing is a casket. I'm not ready for it yet. Just as I am not ready to visit his gravesite. He's not there anyway. So, while I will be attending mass tomorrow in memory of my dad, I doubt that I will be attending the 11:30 mass. I'm not ruling it out, but the odds aren't looking good. I just want everyone to know why I'm not going. I know I'm not getting any "Daughter of the Year" award any time soon, but in reality, I am weak and it's too much to take. I apologize in advance, Mom and Stephen and the Spalding Family.
So Dad, Happy Birthday. I hope you are able to tune into us down here from time to time. I hope you were able to see Gracen tell Uncle Stephen today that it was not his garage, it was "Poppy's Garage". I hope you were able to see Parker whisper "Pop" tonight when looking at your picture. And I certainly hope you were able to see the horrific preseason game that the Cowboys had last night against the Dolphins. Could you send a little help their way, perhaps?
But in all seriousness, we love and miss you every second of every day. You'll be in all of our hearts and minds tomorrow. Be with us. Love to you always~ Shannon
No comments:
Post a Comment