It has been almost a year since my father passed away. I have spent 1 Halloween, 1 Thanksgiving, 1 Christmas, 1 birthday for Gracen, 1 birthday for Samuel Parker, 1 Easter, 1 Birthday for me, 1 Father's Day, and 1 July 4th without him. I have one more "event" to go, and that would be his birthday, September 4th. He died on September 17, 2010. So, it's been about 11 months, and I'm still wondering if I'll ever find God again.
As you well know, when Dad got sick, I took a leave of absence from teaching. Part of my job description required that I teach religion everyday to my students. I used to LOVE that first period in the morning. I would get so excited talking about whatever the topic was for that day. I swear, it was the Holy Spirit that would just pour into me, and I would find myself rambling on and the kids were either a) still asleep or b) totally engaged. I just loved it, and the feeling I would get of absolute love from God was just unbelievable. It would consume me. Around Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter it was even more powerful. Just the thought of our Savior coming into this world or dying on the Cross for us would bring tears to my house. It was a strong and powerful feeling, and I'd give anything to feel that way again.
Of course, after my dad died, I went through the typical emotions/resentment/anger. How could this happen? Especially given my mother's background....how could this be? We were good people. My dad was a faithful Catholic, etc. It just wasn't fair! But over time, my anger has subsided. It has been replaced with a void....this awful, non-feeling void. I don't hate God, nor am I mad at him. But do I feel like I have lost all connection and hope in Him? Well....yes. And this frightens me. I frightens me and makes me sad. I used to be a good person--a great person! I used to CARE. Now what? There's nothing there but emptiness.
I'm ashamed to admit that my visits to church are sporadic. My husband works nearly every weekend, and I could take the kids to church by myself, but then I would come out looking like a ragic lunatic. And even when my husband isn't working, it's hard to get out of the house and not lounge around and enjoy the few minutes we do have together. I miss talking with my pastor. Now, I'm ashamed to even show my face at church.
I have no desire to pray. I feel no connection. If someone asks me to pray for them, I do. I just feel like a hypocrit...you know like why pray when I'm only asking for something and then I'm not even doing my part.
I believe leaving my job has somewhat led to my downhill religious spiral as well. Teaching at a Catholic School and being around the kids kept me IN my religion constantly. I didn't just have to think about it or teach it...I had to live it.
So there are my thoughts that weigh heavy on me tonight...and every night. I can't believe it's taken me this long to put them in print. Have you ever lost God? How did you find him again?
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