I don't pray anymore....

And it really bothers me....like REALLY bothers me.

Let me take you back a few years....

When I first began teaching, every one would come to me asking me questions about the Mass or different Saints or maybe even what they could do for their religion class...even as recent as last year they did this.  I was always very into prayer, "preaching" about my belief in Jesus and Mary and God and the saints....oh the saints were MY favorite.  I still have no doubt that I am where I am today (married with babies) due to the wonderful saints who saw me through and interceded for me through it all. 

And now...I can't even pray? 

Every night I have vivid images of watching my dad taking his final breaths....they were painful and drawn out...and I remember looking over at a picture of Jesus that my mom had hanging in my dad's hospital room, and I asked her to take it down.  And I feel like from that point on, my line to Jesus was cut----severed.

Now, let me clarify some things....I do still greatly believe in Jesus and all that my Catholic religion entails (for the most part), but I have never in my life felt so far away from Him.  The sad part is that I know deep down that everything wonderful in my life is owed all to Him.  So why, when I go to bed at night, can I not bring myself to say thank you for all my blessings and ask for another day?  Okay, let me change that, I can actually say those things, but once again, there is no "connection".  There is no glorious feeling of gratitude that used to come over me when I would say my prayers at night.  I don't get it.  It makes me sad. 

Every night, Gracen and I say the Our Father and Hail Mary and we do our blessings of everyone.  I want my children to grow up in a faith-filled environment.  I want them to make all of their sacraments and go to Catholic School.  Oh yeah...that's the other thing---church.  I haven't been to church in Lord only knows how long, and I have a horrible guilt about it.  Before Christmas, my problem was that my husband worked every weekend, and I couldn't take the two kids by myself.  Now, some would say I can take them to Target by myself, but in Target they don't need to sit still and stay quiet for an hour either.  So after New Year's I really wanted us all to go back to church but we were sick for about 3 weeks.  This past weekend was the first weekend we were well and did we go------no.  And then it's like, well, all the masses either fall during Parker's nap or feeding or Gracen's nap or something like that.  BUT, I refuse to be a twice a year Catholic so we have to get back there soon. 

I wouldn't be writing about this if it didn't REALLY bother me.  I'm not angry with God over the loss of my father so it's not about that.  I guess I'm just one of those people that must hold things....like I hate to be let down, and I guess that's what I feel like.  BUT, I hate being a hypocrit too, and I refuse to be one of those.  I don't want to go crying to God when something goes wrong and then ignore him the other 99% of the time.  It's just not right. 

I've really been wrestling with so much lately and this just adds to the mix.  And then again, if I could get this part of my life straight then I'm sure everything else would fall into place.  Being at home all day is wonderful and depressing all at the same time.  I miss the interaction with adults and friends at work and being part of something bigger.  Thank goodness I have started tutoring more children recently which is giving me a couple hours out, a taste of teaching, and some pocket change so that's good.  It doesn't make me feel like such a prisoner in my own home. 

And for any of you who read this as a family update---hehe---the kids are great.  Gracen is in Gymanstics on Saturdays and LOVING it.  Samuel Parker is a man in motion----crawling and pulling up everywhere.  He LOVES to eat from the big people table and dances and claps for himself.  Thank God (there ya go) for my kids. 

Thanks for letting me "rant".  I promise my next blog will be more interesting.  It's just that this one has been dancing around in my head for quite some time.