Before I lay me down to sleep....

I have purposely tried to avoid writing blogs like these lately.  No one wants to hear someone constantly whine about missing a loved one.  Just tonight though, I had to write.

I just finished about a 1/3 of Samuel Parker's birthday party invitations.  I can hardly believe that in 3 short weeks, I'll have a one year old. 

It's a cliche, but it absolutely amazes me how much things can change in one year.  This time, last year, we were just nestling into our new home, teaching at Holy Angels.  The snow had finally cleared and spring-like weather was rounding the corner---just as it is this year.  We were already into Lent, and I was thinking that on or around April 3rd, I'd give birth to my baby boy.  Little did I know that he would arrive just three weeks from tomorrow. 

As I was writing out Parker's party invitations, my Dad sat next to me the entire time.  I couldn't help but to be sad and shed a few tears, thinking about how he'll miss out on his namesake's first birthday.  I was able to see Dad with Gracen at that age, but Parker will never know his Poppy...and even though his Poppy can see him from Heaven, he'll never have a relationship with him.  There was something so special about the relationship between Dad and Gracen.  I can't even imagine how wonderful Dad and Parker's relationship would've been.  Unfortunately I'll never know. 

The past two weeks have brought a couple random days of warm weather and oh how it makes me miss my Dad.  He loved to be outside, and I long to pull up into my parents' driveway and see those garage doors open, with Dad sitting on his stool...watching T.V. and waiting to greet us.  I vividly remember strolling the kids down the road last year in early May.  I walked past Mom Mom's house to see my Dad and my Pop Pop both out in the garden. I just remember thinking how lucky I was to be able to witness that and how lucky my kids were to have that.  I always thought watching the two of them side by side was such a gift and that everyone should be so lucky.  It sounds kind of strange, but I feel like Dad will come back with the warm weather.  Somehow, 70 degree days will return and so will Dad.  He'll pull up in his big silver truck one day after work, just to check on the kids.  Oh how I wish it was that simple!

In a year that I would most certainly like to forget about, my little Samuel Parker has been a blessing for which there are no words.  Both of my children are blessings, but Sammy Parker---he even looks like Dad.  I have had so many people outside of my family (so they aren't bias) tell me how much Parker looks like my dad.  I just grin from ear to ear because I have to confess...I love hearing it.  Parker makes everyone smile with his two little bottom teeth and devilishly handsome little grin and chipmunk cheeks. 

When we celebrate Parker's birthday on March 22nd and then again with the family on March 26th, you won't be more than a thought away, Dad.  I know you'll be celebrating with us.

Sleep training

Gracen turned 3 in December.  Last week we started sleep training.

Confused?  Apparently so were we. 

Being our first child, Gracen was rocked to sleep for every nap time and every bed time.  Of course, I can't take total blame for this as my mother and grandmother couldn't stand to have her cry it out in her crib while I was at work.  Truth be told: I couldn't let her cry it out myself when I was here with her.  Gracen was a colicky mess for the first 6 months of her life.  After 6 months she was bearable and some would even say pleasant, but she was never a good sleeper.   Eh hem, I should say that she was never a good napper.  She basically slept through the night from 3 months on but she should've....her naps never totaled more than 60-90 minutes during the day.  In fact, she never really took decent naps until she turned almost 2, when we moved her from two naps to only one nap a day.  Even now, with her going to bed a little before 9, she is up and at 'em by 7 or 7:30 the next morning.  Heck, sometimes she'll even surprise you with 6:30!  EEEEEK!

So, as I was saying.  I used to lay down with Gracen for every nap and every bedtime.  Then I had Parker.  And guess what, I STILL did it.  Parker was the one taking the backseat.  He was the second child who had to learn how to soothe himself while the first child got the golden pass.  This was almost working out until Gracen decided that now at bedtime, she wanted one more story.  Or.....she wanted to say more prayers.  Or....she wanted one more lullaby.  This started going on every night and became so bad that at times it was taking me up to 45 minutes to get her to bed!  Meanwhile, if it was nighttime, Stephen was struggling with Parker who was waiting for ME to put him down (Insert EEEEEK here again).

I began dreading bedtime when it should've be my favorite time.  So, one day I just decided it had to end, and it did. 

Much to the dismay of a few people, I began letting Gracen cry it out.  I kept telling myself, "When she is old enough to understand..." I would sweetly tell her that she was a big girl, there was nothing to be afraid of and that she would have to go to bed.....without me.  Believe it or not, it hasn't been so bad.  She's definitely had her crying fits, but they are more like whining fits.  I make sure I check under the bed for her and in the closet when she says, "Something's coming!" I hug her repeatedly when she cries so dramatically, "Mommy, get me outta here!"  BUT, I don't give in.  It's getting easier now because she realizes that I will not give in.  Even when she so sweetly looks up at me and says, "Mom, do you want to way (lay) with me?".....it breaks my heart, but I can't do it.

As a child, I slept with my mom for a long time and my dad had the couch for a LONG time.  I don't want Gracen to be like me.  I do not want her to be afraid of her own shadow.  I've lived like that a majority of my life, and it's not a fun way to live.  It's miserable, and I don't want that for her.  I'm trying to break that mold...no matter how sad it might be. 

However, I have to admit that the whole reason I am writing this blog right now is because of what my grandmother and mom have told me repeatedly over the past few weeks of sleep training.  One day, you're going to look back on this and wish she wanted you to lay with her again and hold her hand again.

....As I put Parker to bed tonight and walked past Gracen's room, I stopped for a minute.  I gazed at the little blonde "helmet," with her body stretched across the bed, and I sighed.  So many emotions flooded me at that point, and I wanted to cry because the love I feel for that little girl is so intense and so wonderful (Parker too of course).  I have to confess that at that very moment,  I wanted to crawl into bed with her so badly, scoop her up in my arms, and sing her to sleep.  She is the sweetest and most beautiful little girl I have ever known.  I have no idea what my life would be like without her, and I don't want to know.  She amazes me every day with her innocence, beauty, and intelligence.  I tell her every chance I get how proud I am of her and how much I love her, but my words will never be enough.  I have not just one, but two enormous and wonderful blessings in my life.  *sigh*  ...Everyone in the world should be so lucky.

The hubby left for 3 nights and 4 days...

...And my house has stayed really clean, the kids have been well behaved, the house is more peaceful, and I actually really missed him.

Now, I hope you aren't too offended by reading that first line or thinking that I'm kind of a *&^^%.  Honey, if you are reading this, just hear me out! 

For starters, I really believe that in every relationship, you need a small break every now and again.  It really is true that "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."  In the case of me and my husband, you can find no better phrase. 

Stephen is the type of person that honestly needs his "time".  Now, I will agree with all of you when you say (A) That time vanishes when you get married and have kids or (B) Where is time for the wifey (I agree) or even both A and B.  I used to scream A and B all of the time, until I realized that no matter what argument I gave, I wasn't going to change his thoughts or mind.  In fact, I'm beginning to agree with him.  I, for one, am not the type of person that enjoys being away from my kids for more than a day at a time.  In addition, I don't need days upon days to recuperate and regroup myself.  My husband does.  AND I'M OKAY WITH IT.  It's his personality.  It's the way he has always been and always will be and there's no changing that so why bother trying.  Before we were married or engaged, it would be nothing for Stephen to take off one weekend and travel up to PA in his Honda Civic hatchback.  There, he would camp by himself and fish for the weekend...completely cut off from civilization (he had no cell phone).  On Sunday evening, he would return; refreshed and ready to begin the week. Things have changed in the fact that now when he goes away (which is seldom), he can't go away for more than a day without calling and telling us how badly he misses me and the kids.  I actually believe him. 

I was lucky enough to have my cousin Erika come stay with me while Stephen was away.  I am so thankful that I was able to stay in my own house without being afraid all the time.  In addition, I was able to avoid packing up the kids (and half the house) to go stay with my mom or his parents.  It was definitely a win-win situation.  Erika is an awesome help with the kids as well.  Thanks to my mom, my grandma (GG), and Stephen's mom, I was also able to keep all of my tutoring gigs which = me being able to keep my income for the week. 

I became somewhat renewed while my husband was away.  Sure, I had to work twice as hard, but it was rewarding.  I wasn't just part of a team; I was THE team for four days, and I'm pretty proud of what I was able to accomplish.  I made sure I provided breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the kids and it WASN'T McDonald's.  Gracen began falling asleep by herself for naptime and bedtime (a HUGE ordeal since she hasn't done that in her 3 years on earth).  Samuel Parker is starting to take more and more steps. I've gotten bath time down to a really quick and efficient routine.  The house is super clean and laundry is all caught up.  I do all of these things during the week, but this time, I did them daily and all by myself.  I know it sounds silly, but I guess I just needed to know that I am worth more than I thought I was. 

I'm not sure why things don't run quite as smoothly when Stephen is home.  It really hasn't nothing to do with him.  I think that sometimes we are so consumed with bickering about WHO should do WHAT that we forget the WHAT needs to be done regardless. 

Apparently, this fishing trip was exactly what Stephen had hoped for all along. So.........I'm really looking forward to seeing a well-rested, happy, and content husband within the next few hours.  I know it won't last forever, but it should last for a little while.  And that's good because I want my husband to be well-rested, happy, and content. 

I have a confession...

I want to be fabulous.

Yes, you heard me. FABULOUS.  Call it stupid, call it a mid-life crisis, call it whatever you want. 

Over the course of the past few weeks, it has been called to my attention that I have numerous friends who "have it all together".  I get my hair highlighted once every 3 months, and I think I'm doing something.  I think the last time I ever felt fabulous was on my wedding day.  In April, that will be 4 years.

Here is just a "brief" list of what's running through my head right now.  Well, what's running through my head while I'm watching the train wreck known as Jersey Shore.

I love my mini-van, but I think it may be time to switch that up----well, after it's paid off.  What I really want?  Hmmmmm, a Tahoe or Land Rover perhaps.  I doubt I get either one, but I can dream, right?    And maybe some new clothes----that would be nice too.  I've spent the past 3 years (since Gracen was born), worrying about dressing her in the latest and now, the same goes with Parker.  Me, I'm making shirts work that I had even before she was born.  I would love a classier look.  It's way too easy for me to walk out the door in my Rocket Dogs and Gap sweatshirt.  I'm not throwing them away altogether, but it's time for me to make a slight change.  I just need to be coached!  any takers?  hahaha  I used to think that I knew what was in style, but hmmmm, not so much anymore.  I've let myself go.  I did what I said I'd never do!   

I long for a few nights out a month too---either with the hubby or with my friends or both at the same time or whatever!  Stephen and I went out a few weeks ago with our friends.  I was able to put on some "decent" clothes, fix my hair and do my make-up.  In addition, I had some drinks too!  Oh it did WONDERS for the soul.  Catching up with long, lost friends is on my list too.

I'm pale and white, and I hate it!  Oh I long for spring and summer and warmer days.  I used to go tanning, but I have sworn myself off of that entirely.  Not only is it costly, but of course, incredibly bad for you.  There's just something about a nice tan, flip flops, and the beach that makes me the happiest girl in the world. 

I'll never get back to the size I was before Gracen, but a little weight loss wouldn't hurt.  I would like to have another baby eventually, but until then a smaller size will do.  Unfortunately, with 2 kids, I skip meals and eat things that are bad for me because they are convenient. 

*sigh*

Lastly, I want to be (and I hope I already am) a fabulous Mom to my kids as well.  I don't want this blog to be mistaken for a "Shannon's going to go wild and leave her husband and kids" blog.  Don't laugh.  Is there a woman out there who can say she's never wanted to be fabulous?