If you ever want to have your heart ripped out and stomped on....or just feel like you are going to hurl up everything you have eaten in the past week....just talk to my daughter for a few minutes.
I don't mean this in a bad way so please don't take it as that. Tonight when I was getting Gracen ready for bed, she randomly started talking about my dad...her "Poppy". At first I thought she was talking about her great grandfather, "Pop Lynch" (whom she had spent the day with), but when I asked her she said, "No, POPPY." She spoke briefly about the two of them playing in the backyard together and then said to me, "Mom, Poppy doesn't want to play with me anymore". Insert knife into heart, here.
For starters, this completely shocked me because this has never come out of her mouth. She will talk about Poppy and how he's in Heaven and with the angels and all of that but has never said anything so sad. It makes me wonder if she has thought this all along, and it also makes me wonder how in the world I can get through to a child who is only 3 years old. How can I get through to her that she was her Poppy's world? How do I make sure that she knows (and Parker too) that they were the absolute apples of my Dad's eye?
I crawled into bed with her after that and silently cried my eyes out while she watched. I told her that Poppy LOVED her and LOVED playing with her very much but that he got very sick and had to go with Jesus. That's the best I could do, but she seemed fine with that and was rambling about something else before I knew it. Dad often comes to me in my dreams....sometimes even right on command when I ask him. I hope he does that for her tonight. I hope that he can visit his "Baby Girl" as she sleeps and is able to reassure her that it had nothing to do with not wanting to play.
Just when I thought my bitterness and anger had slowly faded away, they returned within an instant. Gracen's words, and her sweet little voice as she was saying them, will haunt me for a long time to come. I'm unloading this onto my blog, not to depress you, but to try to get out it out of my head and into words.....maybe then it'll leave me alone.
It's Holy Thursday and tomorrow is Good Friday. It's also my wedding anniversary. I think this is the time of year that I miss my Dad the most.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Everyone is looking for something...thoughts about communication with the other side.
Ever since my Dad died, life has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I know it's a cliche, but I have more questions than answers. I wonder about things more deeply than I ever did before (and that's saying a lot), and I want answers. I used to be content with what I "knew," but death has opened up a whole new realm for me.....and so, here are my thoughts.....
Growing up Catholic and with a very, very, very religious mother, I was always told that you walk by faith, not by sight.....or anything else for that matter. So let me start out with this disclaimer first. Yes, I do believe in God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I do believe that we are cared for by a very loving God who doesn't MAKE things happen but ALLOWS them to happen for whatever reason. I believe there is life beyond this world and there are 3 places that you could possibly end up when you die. I have no doubt about any of this. There is another beautiful and wonderful place beyond this world and that's all we should live for. I get that. I just think that people forget we are human.
As humans, we need answers....we need rationality....we need to know or believe that there is a purpose or a reason behind everything or for everything. And I believe God understands that need because we ARE ONLY HUMAN.
My Dad was a great man, an awesome father, an awesome husband, and an awesome Poppy. I want to know WHY God "allowed" this to happen to him. WHY my kids won't have time with him. WHY he died so young and WHY he suffered so much. Fr. Ray says not to ask WHY but ask WHAT we can do and God will always give us an answer. I totally agree, but it's still frustrating.
So......here's where I'm going with all of this......
A dear relative of mine (who will remain nameless!) sent me a few books in the mail recently. One of them is entitled, George Anderson's, Lessons from the Light. Of course, here is another "no-no" as a Catholic. You are supposed to believe and that's it----no questions asked. And you are CERTAINLY NEVER SUPPOSED TO SEEK THE HELP OR ADVICE OF A PSYCHIC OR MEDIUM. And now here comes my next disclaimer.
I don't deal with the oujia board---as I believe it can let in evil. In the same respect I worry about psychics too.....but this book does have my attention.
As I began reading about George Anderson and his life, I learned some very important things. Number 1 being that he was born and raised Catholic. Number 2 being that he claims he "hears" and communicates with the saints a lot.....very interesting. Number 3 being that from what I read concerning his discernments (as he calls his meetings with the souls) and meeting with families that he's pretty right on the money. This guy is pretty credible in many ways. The thing I like most about what he says is that his gift is not something people should rely on....that one visit is pretty much enough. He also says that it isn't for everyone and that it is not meant to take away grief, which is a healing process all on its own.
His book contains chapters with full transcripts of meetings he has had with individuals who have suffered the loss of a child, spouse, etc. He provides a connection and peace for these people....and sometimes even closure that no one else can. In some respects, he's even given me a little bit of peace. For instance, he speaks of some souls who have come through to him....people who have died in tragic ways. He says that when the souls come through that they tell him that they never suffered. That even when their body was in so much trauma that God took care of them and their body went into a state that allowed no pain or suffering in. I would love to believe this was the case with my dad, who not only suffered greatly the last two months of his life, but who also suffered greatly during his last hours. And if believe that makes me feel better, then what's so sinful? He also says in his book that souls have told him they communicate through dreams with their loved ones. This is especially meaningful to me as my dad appears in my dreams quite often. Whether the dreams make sense or not (sometimes they do and sometimes they don't), I still love when he visits them. For a minute, it feels like he is still with us.
There was a time long ago when I would've been an extremely narrowed minded person and spit on this book as blasphemy. Now, having been through something so tragic, my mind is a bit more open. Could this man have a real gift....a way to bridge us to the other side? Maybe or maybe not. It's up for each individual to decide.
I have some dear friends who are really going through a rough time lately, and my heart aches for them. I've been there....on a different level....but still hurting. I really think this book would be good for them.
So what do I believe? I believe that God knows we are all human....therefore imperfect and sometimes needing a little more (He made us, right?). I believe that all humans are put here on earth to help one another. Some of us do and some of us don't, but we are all MEANT to help in different ways. And I don't believe (anymore) that it's all "sinful" to need a few answers every now and again. There is a fine line, which is not to be crossed......and I don't plan on crossing it.
Everyone is looking for something, don't you think? Are you looking?
And with all that being said, I'm going to let my good, Catholic guilt set in now for writing this blog. Think I'm kidding? Nope, definitely not.
Growing up Catholic and with a very, very, very religious mother, I was always told that you walk by faith, not by sight.....or anything else for that matter. So let me start out with this disclaimer first. Yes, I do believe in God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I do believe that we are cared for by a very loving God who doesn't MAKE things happen but ALLOWS them to happen for whatever reason. I believe there is life beyond this world and there are 3 places that you could possibly end up when you die. I have no doubt about any of this. There is another beautiful and wonderful place beyond this world and that's all we should live for. I get that. I just think that people forget we are human.
As humans, we need answers....we need rationality....we need to know or believe that there is a purpose or a reason behind everything or for everything. And I believe God understands that need because we ARE ONLY HUMAN.
My Dad was a great man, an awesome father, an awesome husband, and an awesome Poppy. I want to know WHY God "allowed" this to happen to him. WHY my kids won't have time with him. WHY he died so young and WHY he suffered so much. Fr. Ray says not to ask WHY but ask WHAT we can do and God will always give us an answer. I totally agree, but it's still frustrating.
So......here's where I'm going with all of this......
A dear relative of mine (who will remain nameless!) sent me a few books in the mail recently. One of them is entitled, George Anderson's, Lessons from the Light. Of course, here is another "no-no" as a Catholic. You are supposed to believe and that's it----no questions asked. And you are CERTAINLY NEVER SUPPOSED TO SEEK THE HELP OR ADVICE OF A PSYCHIC OR MEDIUM. And now here comes my next disclaimer.
I don't deal with the oujia board---as I believe it can let in evil. In the same respect I worry about psychics too.....but this book does have my attention.
As I began reading about George Anderson and his life, I learned some very important things. Number 1 being that he was born and raised Catholic. Number 2 being that he claims he "hears" and communicates with the saints a lot.....very interesting. Number 3 being that from what I read concerning his discernments (as he calls his meetings with the souls) and meeting with families that he's pretty right on the money. This guy is pretty credible in many ways. The thing I like most about what he says is that his gift is not something people should rely on....that one visit is pretty much enough. He also says that it isn't for everyone and that it is not meant to take away grief, which is a healing process all on its own.
His book contains chapters with full transcripts of meetings he has had with individuals who have suffered the loss of a child, spouse, etc. He provides a connection and peace for these people....and sometimes even closure that no one else can. In some respects, he's even given me a little bit of peace. For instance, he speaks of some souls who have come through to him....people who have died in tragic ways. He says that when the souls come through that they tell him that they never suffered. That even when their body was in so much trauma that God took care of them and their body went into a state that allowed no pain or suffering in. I would love to believe this was the case with my dad, who not only suffered greatly the last two months of his life, but who also suffered greatly during his last hours. And if believe that makes me feel better, then what's so sinful? He also says in his book that souls have told him they communicate through dreams with their loved ones. This is especially meaningful to me as my dad appears in my dreams quite often. Whether the dreams make sense or not (sometimes they do and sometimes they don't), I still love when he visits them. For a minute, it feels like he is still with us.
There was a time long ago when I would've been an extremely narrowed minded person and spit on this book as blasphemy. Now, having been through something so tragic, my mind is a bit more open. Could this man have a real gift....a way to bridge us to the other side? Maybe or maybe not. It's up for each individual to decide.
I have some dear friends who are really going through a rough time lately, and my heart aches for them. I've been there....on a different level....but still hurting. I really think this book would be good for them.
So what do I believe? I believe that God knows we are all human....therefore imperfect and sometimes needing a little more (He made us, right?). I believe that all humans are put here on earth to help one another. Some of us do and some of us don't, but we are all MEANT to help in different ways. And I don't believe (anymore) that it's all "sinful" to need a few answers every now and again. There is a fine line, which is not to be crossed......and I don't plan on crossing it.
Everyone is looking for something, don't you think? Are you looking?
And with all that being said, I'm going to let my good, Catholic guilt set in now for writing this blog. Think I'm kidding? Nope, definitely not.
Friday, April 15, 2011
The life of a charter mate widow...
Tomorrow is the start of Trophy Rockish season on the Chesapeake. I have a love/hate with this season.
My love:
The money. The money is incredible. And often times my husband is generous with it (generous to me). Now that I'm not working, the money is also very needed. We can "survive" on one salary, but extras are a source of stress and arguments = not a fun way to live.
My hate:
No one person should have to work 7 days a week. Stephen works no less than 12 hours each day on the weekend. Most of the time it's more like 14 hours or more. The work is hard on him. It racks his body, and it makes me feel awful. He likes the money, and he used to like the work, but it's no longer fun for him. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's something that he resents after the first few weekends. I know he's happy that he still has the opportunity, but I'm sure that if there were "another way," he would do it.
In addition to the stress that the boat puts on my husband is the stress that it puts on me. Last year at least I was working with adults 5 out of 7 days during the week, but now I'm "stuck" all 7 days during the week without any help or companionship from him. Thank goodness I have no problem taking the kids out by myself and I get help from the grandmas, but it's not like having my husband here.
Our weekends of actually getting out and being with other adults are permanently put on hold as well since Stephen has to get up and leave around 4 each morning.
Last but equally as important, I feel sorry for my poor kids. They love their Dad to death, and it's going to rock their world that's he won't be here on the weekend.
...And so begins my life as a charter mate widow. IN addition begins my quest to take on more tutoring kids and to find another way of making money short of selling crack or my body (laugh, people, laugh). Guess I need to be a little more faithful to my blog....think of a cool invention..... or something!
And of course as if this drastic change isn't bad enough, I seem to be missing my Dad WAY more than usual lately. I think it's the Spring weather...and something about Easter approaching. Gracen informed me today that her "other Poppy would help her hunt for eggs this year. Last year was her first year doing it, and Dad helped her. When I asked her who helped her last year she said that Poppy did. I asked where Poppy was now, and she said, "In Heaven Mom, feeding the cows." I chuckled and said, "Oh he is feeding the cows in Heaven?" She said, "No, he's an angel, Mom."
Seriously, I couldn't make this stuff up even if I tried. She has an incredible memory of time with her Poppy, and I am so thankful for that. I hope she will always be able to remember their time together. I have done nothing but sob while looking at these pics of Dad and Gracen together last Easter. It just can't be possible....
And to throw ANOTHER loop into this crazy...all over the place, blog. The Tiki Bar opened today--WOO HOO! All I know is that 4 years ago, Tiki Saturday fell on April 21st.....the day of my wedding. :)
My love:
The money. The money is incredible. And often times my husband is generous with it (generous to me). Now that I'm not working, the money is also very needed. We can "survive" on one salary, but extras are a source of stress and arguments = not a fun way to live.
My hate:
No one person should have to work 7 days a week. Stephen works no less than 12 hours each day on the weekend. Most of the time it's more like 14 hours or more. The work is hard on him. It racks his body, and it makes me feel awful. He likes the money, and he used to like the work, but it's no longer fun for him. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's something that he resents after the first few weekends. I know he's happy that he still has the opportunity, but I'm sure that if there were "another way," he would do it.
In addition to the stress that the boat puts on my husband is the stress that it puts on me. Last year at least I was working with adults 5 out of 7 days during the week, but now I'm "stuck" all 7 days during the week without any help or companionship from him. Thank goodness I have no problem taking the kids out by myself and I get help from the grandmas, but it's not like having my husband here.
Our weekends of actually getting out and being with other adults are permanently put on hold as well since Stephen has to get up and leave around 4 each morning.
Last but equally as important, I feel sorry for my poor kids. They love their Dad to death, and it's going to rock their world that's he won't be here on the weekend.
...And so begins my life as a charter mate widow. IN addition begins my quest to take on more tutoring kids and to find another way of making money short of selling crack or my body (laugh, people, laugh). Guess I need to be a little more faithful to my blog....think of a cool invention..... or something!
And of course as if this drastic change isn't bad enough, I seem to be missing my Dad WAY more than usual lately. I think it's the Spring weather...and something about Easter approaching. Gracen informed me today that her "other Poppy would help her hunt for eggs this year. Last year was her first year doing it, and Dad helped her. When I asked her who helped her last year she said that Poppy did. I asked where Poppy was now, and she said, "In Heaven Mom, feeding the cows." I chuckled and said, "Oh he is feeding the cows in Heaven?" She said, "No, he's an angel, Mom."
Seriously, I couldn't make this stuff up even if I tried. She has an incredible memory of time with her Poppy, and I am so thankful for that. I hope she will always be able to remember their time together. I have done nothing but sob while looking at these pics of Dad and Gracen together last Easter. It just can't be possible....
And to throw ANOTHER loop into this crazy...all over the place, blog. The Tiki Bar opened today--WOO HOO! All I know is that 4 years ago, Tiki Saturday fell on April 21st.....the day of my wedding. :)
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