Before I lay me down to sleep....

I have purposely tried to avoid writing blogs like these lately.  No one wants to hear someone constantly whine about missing a loved one.  Just tonight though, I had to write.

I just finished about a 1/3 of Samuel Parker's birthday party invitations.  I can hardly believe that in 3 short weeks, I'll have a one year old. 

It's a cliche, but it absolutely amazes me how much things can change in one year.  This time, last year, we were just nestling into our new home, teaching at Holy Angels.  The snow had finally cleared and spring-like weather was rounding the corner---just as it is this year.  We were already into Lent, and I was thinking that on or around April 3rd, I'd give birth to my baby boy.  Little did I know that he would arrive just three weeks from tomorrow. 

As I was writing out Parker's party invitations, my Dad sat next to me the entire time.  I couldn't help but to be sad and shed a few tears, thinking about how he'll miss out on his namesake's first birthday.  I was able to see Dad with Gracen at that age, but Parker will never know his Poppy...and even though his Poppy can see him from Heaven, he'll never have a relationship with him.  There was something so special about the relationship between Dad and Gracen.  I can't even imagine how wonderful Dad and Parker's relationship would've been.  Unfortunately I'll never know. 

The past two weeks have brought a couple random days of warm weather and oh how it makes me miss my Dad.  He loved to be outside, and I long to pull up into my parents' driveway and see those garage doors open, with Dad sitting on his stool...watching T.V. and waiting to greet us.  I vividly remember strolling the kids down the road last year in early May.  I walked past Mom Mom's house to see my Dad and my Pop Pop both out in the garden. I just remember thinking how lucky I was to be able to witness that and how lucky my kids were to have that.  I always thought watching the two of them side by side was such a gift and that everyone should be so lucky.  It sounds kind of strange, but I feel like Dad will come back with the warm weather.  Somehow, 70 degree days will return and so will Dad.  He'll pull up in his big silver truck one day after work, just to check on the kids.  Oh how I wish it was that simple!

In a year that I would most certainly like to forget about, my little Samuel Parker has been a blessing for which there are no words.  Both of my children are blessings, but Sammy Parker---he even looks like Dad.  I have had so many people outside of my family (so they aren't bias) tell me how much Parker looks like my dad.  I just grin from ear to ear because I have to confess...I love hearing it.  Parker makes everyone smile with his two little bottom teeth and devilishly handsome little grin and chipmunk cheeks. 

When we celebrate Parker's birthday on March 22nd and then again with the family on March 26th, you won't be more than a thought away, Dad.  I know you'll be celebrating with us.

Sleep training

Gracen turned 3 in December.  Last week we started sleep training.

Confused?  Apparently so were we. 

Being our first child, Gracen was rocked to sleep for every nap time and every bed time.  Of course, I can't take total blame for this as my mother and grandmother couldn't stand to have her cry it out in her crib while I was at work.  Truth be told: I couldn't let her cry it out myself when I was here with her.  Gracen was a colicky mess for the first 6 months of her life.  After 6 months she was bearable and some would even say pleasant, but she was never a good sleeper.   Eh hem, I should say that she was never a good napper.  She basically slept through the night from 3 months on but she should've....her naps never totaled more than 60-90 minutes during the day.  In fact, she never really took decent naps until she turned almost 2, when we moved her from two naps to only one nap a day.  Even now, with her going to bed a little before 9, she is up and at 'em by 7 or 7:30 the next morning.  Heck, sometimes she'll even surprise you with 6:30!  EEEEEK!

So, as I was saying.  I used to lay down with Gracen for every nap and every bedtime.  Then I had Parker.  And guess what, I STILL did it.  Parker was the one taking the backseat.  He was the second child who had to learn how to soothe himself while the first child got the golden pass.  This was almost working out until Gracen decided that now at bedtime, she wanted one more story.  Or.....she wanted to say more prayers.  Or....she wanted one more lullaby.  This started going on every night and became so bad that at times it was taking me up to 45 minutes to get her to bed!  Meanwhile, if it was nighttime, Stephen was struggling with Parker who was waiting for ME to put him down (Insert EEEEEK here again).

I began dreading bedtime when it should've be my favorite time.  So, one day I just decided it had to end, and it did. 

Much to the dismay of a few people, I began letting Gracen cry it out.  I kept telling myself, "When she is old enough to understand..." I would sweetly tell her that she was a big girl, there was nothing to be afraid of and that she would have to go to bed.....without me.  Believe it or not, it hasn't been so bad.  She's definitely had her crying fits, but they are more like whining fits.  I make sure I check under the bed for her and in the closet when she says, "Something's coming!" I hug her repeatedly when she cries so dramatically, "Mommy, get me outta here!"  BUT, I don't give in.  It's getting easier now because she realizes that I will not give in.  Even when she so sweetly looks up at me and says, "Mom, do you want to way (lay) with me?".....it breaks my heart, but I can't do it.

As a child, I slept with my mom for a long time and my dad had the couch for a LONG time.  I don't want Gracen to be like me.  I do not want her to be afraid of her own shadow.  I've lived like that a majority of my life, and it's not a fun way to live.  It's miserable, and I don't want that for her.  I'm trying to break that mold...no matter how sad it might be. 

However, I have to admit that the whole reason I am writing this blog right now is because of what my grandmother and mom have told me repeatedly over the past few weeks of sleep training.  One day, you're going to look back on this and wish she wanted you to lay with her again and hold her hand again.

....As I put Parker to bed tonight and walked past Gracen's room, I stopped for a minute.  I gazed at the little blonde "helmet," with her body stretched across the bed, and I sighed.  So many emotions flooded me at that point, and I wanted to cry because the love I feel for that little girl is so intense and so wonderful (Parker too of course).  I have to confess that at that very moment,  I wanted to crawl into bed with her so badly, scoop her up in my arms, and sing her to sleep.  She is the sweetest and most beautiful little girl I have ever known.  I have no idea what my life would be like without her, and I don't want to know.  She amazes me every day with her innocence, beauty, and intelligence.  I tell her every chance I get how proud I am of her and how much I love her, but my words will never be enough.  I have not just one, but two enormous and wonderful blessings in my life.  *sigh*  ...Everyone in the world should be so lucky.

The hubby left for 3 nights and 4 days...

...And my house has stayed really clean, the kids have been well behaved, the house is more peaceful, and I actually really missed him.

Now, I hope you aren't too offended by reading that first line or thinking that I'm kind of a *&^^%.  Honey, if you are reading this, just hear me out! 

For starters, I really believe that in every relationship, you need a small break every now and again.  It really is true that "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."  In the case of me and my husband, you can find no better phrase. 

Stephen is the type of person that honestly needs his "time".  Now, I will agree with all of you when you say (A) That time vanishes when you get married and have kids or (B) Where is time for the wifey (I agree) or even both A and B.  I used to scream A and B all of the time, until I realized that no matter what argument I gave, I wasn't going to change his thoughts or mind.  In fact, I'm beginning to agree with him.  I, for one, am not the type of person that enjoys being away from my kids for more than a day at a time.  In addition, I don't need days upon days to recuperate and regroup myself.  My husband does.  AND I'M OKAY WITH IT.  It's his personality.  It's the way he has always been and always will be and there's no changing that so why bother trying.  Before we were married or engaged, it would be nothing for Stephen to take off one weekend and travel up to PA in his Honda Civic hatchback.  There, he would camp by himself and fish for the weekend...completely cut off from civilization (he had no cell phone).  On Sunday evening, he would return; refreshed and ready to begin the week. Things have changed in the fact that now when he goes away (which is seldom), he can't go away for more than a day without calling and telling us how badly he misses me and the kids.  I actually believe him. 

I was lucky enough to have my cousin Erika come stay with me while Stephen was away.  I am so thankful that I was able to stay in my own house without being afraid all the time.  In addition, I was able to avoid packing up the kids (and half the house) to go stay with my mom or his parents.  It was definitely a win-win situation.  Erika is an awesome help with the kids as well.  Thanks to my mom, my grandma (GG), and Stephen's mom, I was also able to keep all of my tutoring gigs which = me being able to keep my income for the week. 

I became somewhat renewed while my husband was away.  Sure, I had to work twice as hard, but it was rewarding.  I wasn't just part of a team; I was THE team for four days, and I'm pretty proud of what I was able to accomplish.  I made sure I provided breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the kids and it WASN'T McDonald's.  Gracen began falling asleep by herself for naptime and bedtime (a HUGE ordeal since she hasn't done that in her 3 years on earth).  Samuel Parker is starting to take more and more steps. I've gotten bath time down to a really quick and efficient routine.  The house is super clean and laundry is all caught up.  I do all of these things during the week, but this time, I did them daily and all by myself.  I know it sounds silly, but I guess I just needed to know that I am worth more than I thought I was. 

I'm not sure why things don't run quite as smoothly when Stephen is home.  It really hasn't nothing to do with him.  I think that sometimes we are so consumed with bickering about WHO should do WHAT that we forget the WHAT needs to be done regardless. 

Apparently, this fishing trip was exactly what Stephen had hoped for all along. So.........I'm really looking forward to seeing a well-rested, happy, and content husband within the next few hours.  I know it won't last forever, but it should last for a little while.  And that's good because I want my husband to be well-rested, happy, and content. 

I have a confession...

I want to be fabulous.

Yes, you heard me. FABULOUS.  Call it stupid, call it a mid-life crisis, call it whatever you want. 

Over the course of the past few weeks, it has been called to my attention that I have numerous friends who "have it all together".  I get my hair highlighted once every 3 months, and I think I'm doing something.  I think the last time I ever felt fabulous was on my wedding day.  In April, that will be 4 years.

Here is just a "brief" list of what's running through my head right now.  Well, what's running through my head while I'm watching the train wreck known as Jersey Shore.

I love my mini-van, but I think it may be time to switch that up----well, after it's paid off.  What I really want?  Hmmmmm, a Tahoe or Land Rover perhaps.  I doubt I get either one, but I can dream, right?    And maybe some new clothes----that would be nice too.  I've spent the past 3 years (since Gracen was born), worrying about dressing her in the latest and now, the same goes with Parker.  Me, I'm making shirts work that I had even before she was born.  I would love a classier look.  It's way too easy for me to walk out the door in my Rocket Dogs and Gap sweatshirt.  I'm not throwing them away altogether, but it's time for me to make a slight change.  I just need to be coached!  any takers?  hahaha  I used to think that I knew what was in style, but hmmmm, not so much anymore.  I've let myself go.  I did what I said I'd never do!   

I long for a few nights out a month too---either with the hubby or with my friends or both at the same time or whatever!  Stephen and I went out a few weeks ago with our friends.  I was able to put on some "decent" clothes, fix my hair and do my make-up.  In addition, I had some drinks too!  Oh it did WONDERS for the soul.  Catching up with long, lost friends is on my list too.

I'm pale and white, and I hate it!  Oh I long for spring and summer and warmer days.  I used to go tanning, but I have sworn myself off of that entirely.  Not only is it costly, but of course, incredibly bad for you.  There's just something about a nice tan, flip flops, and the beach that makes me the happiest girl in the world. 

I'll never get back to the size I was before Gracen, but a little weight loss wouldn't hurt.  I would like to have another baby eventually, but until then a smaller size will do.  Unfortunately, with 2 kids, I skip meals and eat things that are bad for me because they are convenient. 

*sigh*

Lastly, I want to be (and I hope I already am) a fabulous Mom to my kids as well.  I don't want this blog to be mistaken for a "Shannon's going to go wild and leave her husband and kids" blog.  Don't laugh.  Is there a woman out there who can say she's never wanted to be fabulous?

Every action....

....has an equal and opposite reaction.   Gotta love that Newton guy!

Driving down to Target Saturday evening, with Gracen in tow (Target....shocker, I know!), this sentence popped into my head.  Almost 4 years into this marriage/kids thing, I have realized that all my life really needs is that sentence.  Everything I say and everything I do, whether it be with my husband, kids, friends, etc., needs to be done with Newton's law in mind.

If Gracen takes a dramatic fall, and I come rushing to her side with panic, she will respond with tears and panic.  If I slowly come to her and tell her she is okay, then she normally is; same with Parker too.  If I become enraged or aggravated with something my husband says or does, it becomes a direct catalyst in lighting his fuse (or keeping it lit) as well.  This law of Newton's can basically be applied to anyone in my life...even people I don't know.  Isn't it true that if you smile at a stranger, they are more than likely to smile back at you in return?

Now, you may say, "Shannon, that is an equal reaction---not an opposite one".  I can see what you're saying, but here is what I am saying...

Stephen and I argue.  He raises his voice to me and so I raise it back to him in a higher tone.  My purpose is to get him to back down or calm down or prove that I am right.  However, the reaction I'm looking for ends up being the opposite of what the situation needs.  Just like the example above with Gracen falling down.  I rush to her with panic and urgency, thinking my immediate and quick reaction will calm her down when she sees I'm coming.  However, all it does is make her panic---complete opposite of what I'm looking to do.  My reaction produced an equal and opposite reaction of my purpose for doing it.  Hope I'm making sense!

And so, it is my mission that I will make more of an effort to apply this law (or rather pay more attention to it) in my interaction with everyone on a daily basis.  I know it will be very difficult at times, but I really think it's essential for having a more peaceful life. 

Being a stay-at-home mom has not been easy for me, as I have blogged on more than one occassion.  It's about 8:33 in the morning right now.  Both of my kids are dressed, and here I sit, in all my skanky glory, until Parker goes down for his morning nap and allows me to take a shower.  My living room looks like Toys R Us exploded and Sprout is on television.  Parker has my camera, but I don't care because he's on carpet and it's keeping him super happy.  It's another cold day in Clements, and I long for A) a super snow storm or B) a tan and flip flops.   Either way, I'm sick of the bitter cold with nothing to do.  Bright side:  my tutoring business has picked up so when Stephen gets home, I'll leave and do that for a couple of hours---sa-weet!  I'm still thinking of my "get rich with one quick idea" scheme, but I only have a few ideas thus far, and I'm not talented enough to make any of them!  Anyway....it'll happen...one day!

Lastly, please check out my friend's blog.  She did a Top 20, "You Might Be a Mommy" things----laughed my butt off!  Here's a shout out, Brandy!  http://sutorfam.blogspot.com/2011/01/you-might-be-mommy.html

Nap times are just a SHOW around here...

Lately, my 3 year old has been fighting her nap time.  This is a problem.  She wakes up too early every morning to even think about letting her skip the nap, and I'm certainly not ready to give up my 2 hours or so of bliss.  99% of the time, Parker and Gracen go down for a nap together too....which is EXTREMELY NICE. 

On Friday, Gracen decided that instead of taking a nap, she would roll around in her bed, throw the stuffed animals off of it repeatedly, sing loudly, flail her legs up in the air, etc.  After repeated warnings, and a couple of leg smacks to boot, an hour and a half later, she wasn't asleep (and yes, I tried the super nice way too....filled with a soft voice, lullabies, stories, etc.).  In fact, it was worse....she was exhausted from crying and being so hyper but wouldn't fall asleep at the same time.  In addition, she woke Parker up, giving him only a 30 minute nap.  She later wanted to fall asleep at 5 pm when I was trying to put her shoes on so we could leave to have dinner at Outback with  my Mom.  Needless to say, it was one of those days that I       a) wished I was at work and b) wished I had been the mom who used the "cry it out" method with her as a baby. 

I never let Gracen cry herself to sleep.  I didn't have the heart.  And she was a horrible napper until her naps were cut to one a day---and even then it took some time for her to build up to a 2 hour nap or so.  My mom and grandma watched her while I worked so I can't be solely responsible.  They would never have let her cry it out either.  Therefore, at the age of 3, I still lie down with her to get her to take a nap during the day and to go to sleep at night.  This creates a real problem when trying to get them both to sleep at the same time.  I used to be able to stand and hold Parker and then sing to her and they would both be out....but not anymore.

And so, poor Parker (second child of course) is the one who has to endure the "crying it out" test.  It doesn't bother me as much as it did with Gracen....even though Parker is such a sweet baby.  I guess it's because I'm so busy that I don't have time to listen.  And in reality, I must confess, I'm still a pushover.  I don't let him cry for too long, and when I go in there finally, he's so tired that I can lay him down, rub his head a bit, and he's out like a light.  In addition, letting either one of my babies cry it out was never successful for me.  All my children have ever done is work themselves up enough to where they almost throw up....and at that point, there's no turning back and no sleep. 

Yesterday, she tried to be silly on me once again during nap, and I was so aggravated with her that I slammed the door and told her not to get up.  I hate to put her to sleep like that, but I was at my wit's end.  And believe it or not...I checked on her about 5 minutes later and she was sound asleep.  Such a mystery, my child. 

Today wasn't nearly as easy.  When Parker finally went down, I had to crawl into bed with her.  Sometimes it's kind of nice....I have to admit.  I even get to snooze maybe 20 minutes or so too.  Call me crazy, but if someone is going to tell me to take a nap, I'm going to listen!

And now at night, Gracen is in my bed by at least 2 a.m., which really has to stop.  It's hit or miss, but for some reason, she will randomly wake up about 3 out of 7 nights of the week and climb into bed with us.  My husband is almost comical when he says he kind of likes it----makes him feel safe to have Gracen snuggled in between us.  I can't stand it as she is the worst sleeper in the world, and I'm tired of her feet in my face and waking up with a stiff neck or back.  BUT, no one wants a scene during the middle of the night or the middle of a nap for that matter.  I have an extremely small house and would rather give into her than have her yelping and waking up my little boy from his sleep.  Then I would end up with two, totally awake and angry children and who really wins in that case---no one.  I can't say that she steals it either as I slept with my mom until I'm too embarrassed to even say! 

So yes, we've created a monster here, and I'm in the process of trying to prevent another one from rearing his ugly head.  So far, so good I guess.  I do believe that I have something to do with my children's poor sleeping habits, but I also believe it's who they are and it's their personalities as well.  The other day on the news, there was a story about letting your kids sleep with you.  I am not going to say either way what's right and what's wrong, but if I had things my way, my kids would sleep soundly in their OWN beds all night long.  However, when I look around I see so many worse things in this world involving children so if this is one of their only vices....I guess I'll take it :).

I don't pray anymore....

And it really bothers me....like REALLY bothers me.

Let me take you back a few years....

When I first began teaching, every one would come to me asking me questions about the Mass or different Saints or maybe even what they could do for their religion class...even as recent as last year they did this.  I was always very into prayer, "preaching" about my belief in Jesus and Mary and God and the saints....oh the saints were MY favorite.  I still have no doubt that I am where I am today (married with babies) due to the wonderful saints who saw me through and interceded for me through it all. 

And now...I can't even pray? 

Every night I have vivid images of watching my dad taking his final breaths....they were painful and drawn out...and I remember looking over at a picture of Jesus that my mom had hanging in my dad's hospital room, and I asked her to take it down.  And I feel like from that point on, my line to Jesus was cut----severed.

Now, let me clarify some things....I do still greatly believe in Jesus and all that my Catholic religion entails (for the most part), but I have never in my life felt so far away from Him.  The sad part is that I know deep down that everything wonderful in my life is owed all to Him.  So why, when I go to bed at night, can I not bring myself to say thank you for all my blessings and ask for another day?  Okay, let me change that, I can actually say those things, but once again, there is no "connection".  There is no glorious feeling of gratitude that used to come over me when I would say my prayers at night.  I don't get it.  It makes me sad. 

Every night, Gracen and I say the Our Father and Hail Mary and we do our blessings of everyone.  I want my children to grow up in a faith-filled environment.  I want them to make all of their sacraments and go to Catholic School.  Oh yeah...that's the other thing---church.  I haven't been to church in Lord only knows how long, and I have a horrible guilt about it.  Before Christmas, my problem was that my husband worked every weekend, and I couldn't take the two kids by myself.  Now, some would say I can take them to Target by myself, but in Target they don't need to sit still and stay quiet for an hour either.  So after New Year's I really wanted us all to go back to church but we were sick for about 3 weeks.  This past weekend was the first weekend we were well and did we go------no.  And then it's like, well, all the masses either fall during Parker's nap or feeding or Gracen's nap or something like that.  BUT, I refuse to be a twice a year Catholic so we have to get back there soon. 

I wouldn't be writing about this if it didn't REALLY bother me.  I'm not angry with God over the loss of my father so it's not about that.  I guess I'm just one of those people that must hold things....like I hate to be let down, and I guess that's what I feel like.  BUT, I hate being a hypocrit too, and I refuse to be one of those.  I don't want to go crying to God when something goes wrong and then ignore him the other 99% of the time.  It's just not right. 

I've really been wrestling with so much lately and this just adds to the mix.  And then again, if I could get this part of my life straight then I'm sure everything else would fall into place.  Being at home all day is wonderful and depressing all at the same time.  I miss the interaction with adults and friends at work and being part of something bigger.  Thank goodness I have started tutoring more children recently which is giving me a couple hours out, a taste of teaching, and some pocket change so that's good.  It doesn't make me feel like such a prisoner in my own home. 

And for any of you who read this as a family update---hehe---the kids are great.  Gracen is in Gymanstics on Saturdays and LOVING it.  Samuel Parker is a man in motion----crawling and pulling up everywhere.  He LOVES to eat from the big people table and dances and claps for himself.  Thank God (there ya go) for my kids. 

Thanks for letting me "rant".  I promise my next blog will be more interesting.  It's just that this one has been dancing around in my head for quite some time.

Got my hurr did, and I feel like a million bucks!

You know, I have to say that I have a love/hate with getting my hair done.  It's not the cut that I mind....it's the ALMOST 3 hours it takes to have it colored, cut, and blow-dried.  That's why I only do the highlighting about 3 times a year.  But I have to say that having my hair highlighted and cut tonight was just what the doctor ordered. 

I must admit that I dreaded my hair appointment right up until the very moment tonight.  For some reason, sitting still for 2 1/2 hours, while drinking a glass of wine (if I so choose) and reading a People magazine just isn't what it used to be.  I sit there the whole time worrying about my kids and if I'm taking too long....or the house chores that need to be done, etc.  It's ridiculous.  I'm a hard-working mom so why do I feel like I can't spend 3 hours or so on myself?  Who knows?  Anyway, I'm so completely happy with my hair tonight though----thank you, Chris!   I even bought some "product"!  What a nice evening.  If you are looking for an awesome hair stylist, check out Chris Nelson at S-Kape-----love him!  He's just a baby in the biz but definitely knows what he's doing.  In addition, you don't have to sit there all stiff and uptight either.  He's an absolute pleasure to chat with!

Really, being so blah lately, a little different hairdo was exactly what I needed to feel human again.  I'm losing a little bit of weight and I have my new Bobby Brown make-up that I got in NYC so watch out world, here I come!  I love feeling like a young woman again...and a young mom at that.  I'm so motivated right now to keep it going.  I hope it does.  We'll see how I feel in the morning!  For 2 1/2 hours tonight--I WAS one of those fabulous women I was reading about in People.  *Sigh*....I can always dream, right?  I really love my kids, but as I've mentioned before....I need to get out and work!  A little make-up...something other than sweatpants....and a paycheck is something I long for!  I have to say though, I am cherishing each and every one of these days with my babies.  They are at the coolest age and really sweet kids, and I'm not just saying that because they are mine.  I find myself really making a conscious effort every day to capture all the memories I can.  I'm really sad that they are growing up way too fast.  I guess in a year or so, it'll be time for another one---hehe!

Well, make-up off and sweatpants on, this momma is on her way to bed.  I have every intention of heading to St. John's tomorrow to catch the 8th grade play, and I'm so excited about.  I miss my job so much, and I'm so excited to see everyone and the new school building.  Fingers crossed that my kids cooperate. 

Nite everyone!

So long, 2010!

I'm having very mixed emotions about beginning 2011.  My first thoughts about leaving 2010 were "Good riddance."  Except for the birth of Samuel Parker, the middle and end of 2010 pretty much stunk for my family and me.  The more I think about it though, the more I think that maybe I shouldn't be so quick to lock 2010 away somewhere, never to think of  it again.

It's true that 2010 was the year that my dad became really ill and died of cancer in two months.  But it's just as true to say that 2010 was the last year I ever had with my dad as well, which makes it pretty bittersweet.  From December until July 15th, I got to watch Gracen and her Poppy grow closer than they had ever been.  Gracen was getting older and interacting like a little adult instead of a toddler.  I will always fondly remember pulling into my parents' driveway and seeing the garage door open.  My dad would no doubt be perched on one of those old bar stool chairs, watching some ridiculous old movie....which more than likely starred Clint Eastwood or Steven Seagal.  The minute he saw my van, he would immediately get up and head over to Gracen's side to get her out.  His catch phrase everytime..."Who is this coming to my house?"  I thoroughly miss that high pitch tone he had to it.  I will cherish and miss the times when the two of them would disappear for hours on the gator....often visiting Mom Mom and Pop Pop's or the Jennings' house where Gracen actually got a pretty good boo boo on her chin with Dad.  He felt so bad about it.  The scar just went away a couple of months ago, and I was sad to see it go. 

2010 was also the year I was able to name my little boy after my dad.  Samuel Parker was born on March 22, 2010.  I remember just wanting to name him after dad so badly for some reason (haunting when I look back on it).  My husband even suggested that maybe we shouldn't have done it and let my brother do it instead.  Wow, I'm so glad we did that now.

I spent my last birthday with my dad in 2010, my last Easter....the first one where Gracen really knew how to hunt for eggs, and I have dad on film helping her every step of the way. 

There is obviously no way that on 1/1/10, I would've thought I would be writing this blog.  There is nothing in life that can prepare you for such a tragedy....all you can do is learn from it and try to move on. 

The cards I have in my hand right now are not even close to the ones I want....but who's to say you can't be dealt a new hand?  You never play an entire game of anything forever or with the same hand, right?  This year is about making my own luck...my own success.  It's going to be about making myself happy and my family happy.  I am not a fan of resolutions and don't really keep them so I rarely ever make them.  I truly want to make 2011 different though so here are my thoughts.  I'm going to write them down as a "gentle" reminder that I need to KEEP them.

1. As a person who sometimes stresses herself to the point of being anxiety ridden and wanting to rock back and forth in the corner, I vow this year to take a couple extra deep breaths.  I am going to do my best to NOT sweat the small stuff.  It doesn't get me any where.
2. This entire family has taken an extra deep dive into the realm of unhappiness lately, and I desperately want to change that.  And if I want to change that, the change needs to start with me and then hopefully others will follow suit.  I am going to make every effort I can to be SUPER nice to my husband every single day and "allow" him to do some things that he really enjoys....a.k.a FISHING.  A miserable husband doesn't make for a great marriage. I am going to try to say thank you more and let him know how much I appreciate him as well.
3. Even though I am currently only tutoring twice a week, my goal is to take on at least 2 more kids in the new year.  In addition, I plan to SAVE some money and spend less of it.  It's an ambitious thought, I know....but I have to try!  I also want to continue my search for a job as a medical transcriptionist and land one soon into the new year....I'm thinking part-time as of right now.
4. I used to be a nicer, more generous person, and I miss that.  2011 is the year that we bring back the "old Shannon".....the "Heal the World" Shannon.  I need to clean up my potty mouth too.
5. Lastly, here's a pretty mundane and overused resolution....I would like to lose a bit of weight and keep it off.  I need to stop eating so much crap...for lack of a better word. 

So, while I don't think you need a new year to have a new beginning, I do enjoy a clean slate.  Who doesn't?  Join me in this New Year's quest!  What are your ideas for 2011? 

Thank God for kids, there's magic for a while....

Dear Gracen and Samuel Parker,

If it wasn't for the two of you, I never would have survived this holiday season.  In fact, I never would've survived the past 3 months.  Your smiles, hugs and kisses, witty sayings, and pure innocence is what has kept me going every single day.  

I have tried to do my best to ensure that, even though you are young, these Christmases are the best years of your life.  I want you to experience all the magic and wonder that Christmas holds. I hope that I can give you all the happiness that you have given me.  Although, I'm not sure that's possible.

Gracen, you are such a sweet and smart little girl.  You are so much like your Mommy (which causes us some trouble now....probably a lot later :)).  You are full of life....and music!  I love watching you sing and dance around the house.  It amazes me!  You say things quite often that are not only witty and smart, but absolutely hilarious!  I know your Poppy is with you all the time and so very proud of his Baby Girl.  He loved you with everything in him....."up to the sky and back"! 

Samuel Parker...I had no idea at Christmas time last year, what a special treat we were all in for.  You are the sweetest baby in the world....and the most curious!  As I watch you now....pulling up, standing, and wanting to take off---I wonder where the last 9 months have gone!  Gracen loves you so much, and I know how much you love her too.  I look so forward to watching the two of you grow up together.  Your name is so appropriate as you are so much like your Poppy.  You are kind and approachable and have a killer smile.  I keep thinking how sad I am that Poppy will miss your first Christmas, first birthday, etc., but I have to keep reminding myself that he won't.  I know he'll be there throughout your whole life. 

So, to my little darlings....thank you is not enough.  I promise to always be available to you---physically and emotionally.  I vow to spend even more time playing with you in the new year, as I see these days going by way too fast.   I love you more and more with each day.  Everyone should be lucky enough to have a Gracen and Samuel Parker.

Love,
Mommy


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I know....it's been a while since I've written.  I didn't want to depress my readers so I stayed off the blog.  This, is more of a reflection.

I have had that letter in my head for days now.  Every day since Thanksgiving, I have woken up with the same challenge...."How do I make this season count with my kids?"  Let's see.  We've done the Advent Calendar, Advent wreath, Little People Nativity, lists upon lists for Santa, seen Santa a gazillion times, been to NYC with Gracen, and made sure everything on our list for Santa is downstairs in the basement.  And yet, everyday, I always wonder if that's enough. 

You absolutely cannot beat the awe and wonder of children at Christmas.  It's a shame we can't all stay that way. Some people might say that my Christmases are a bit excessive.  It used to bother me, but this year it doesn't.  This year has left me with a whole different take on life.

Being an adult just plain old sucks sometimes.  Day to day life can often leave you problems with your job, your marriage, your family....everything!  How great was it to be young and have every single wish, sitting under a tree on Christmas morning?  Wouldn't that be great if adults could wish like that...and have it really come true?!  Yes, please!  Christmas is that one time of year when you have an "excuse" to bring out the magic!  ....So, do it! Gracen's birthday is December 28th, but if you ask her whose birthday is coming up, she says, "Jesus"...I must be doing something right.  Moderation is great, but all the stops have been pulled out at this house.  I greatly respect my friends that follow the Wise Men rule (3 gifts) or perhaps even a one gift rule.  I must not have the restraint---haha!  I guess the bottom line is this...my Christmases were pure magic, and I want that to be the same for my kids.  They have the rest of their lives to understand this "real" world.  They will only believe in Santa for a short time, and I am going to relish every bit of it. 

So with that said, I hear Mr. Claus downstairs with his power drill.  I bet that "fast yellow racecar" is going to look fabulous, sitting in my living room on Christmas morning.

"If I had a million dollars"....I'd still work.

A year ago, if you had asked me, "Would you stop working if you won the lottery?"....I'd most definitely say yes.  As of today, I would say NO WAY!   

Let me first start out by saying, I love my kids.  There is nothing more true and more pure than the love you have for your child.  There is nothing greater.  I have enjoyed the last 6 months or so being home with my babies.  They have brought me so much joy and happiness.....but now....it's time for a change! 

I didn't realize the impact leaving work (teaching) would have on me when I left back in September.  Part of me was apprehensive, but the other part of me was definitely ready for a break.  I realize I had all summer as a break, but beginning July 16th, every other day of my summer was spent traveling to Georgetown and back to be with my dad.  EVERY day was spent on the phone with doctors, radiologists, therapists....anyone I could find that would help us out.  It was stressful....way stressful.  I miss dad, but I don't miss that.  Bickering back and forth with my family over where he could receive the best care and how he could receive it wasn't great either.  So in essence, I didn't really get a summer "vacation" like I would've every other year.  When the middle to the end of August came, and I had to make a decision about work, a small sense of relief came over me to step down.  I was tired, and I need a "break".  I knew it would be stressful and hard financially, but I really never imagined just how hard or how stressful life would become.

I most definitely believe that everything major in life probably happens for a reason.  Part of me really believes that there was a higher hand in the reason why I didn't go back to teaching this year.  I don't have any idea why, and at this point in the game I'm a little upset as to why I haven't figured it out, but nonetheless it happened and here I am.  As I'm sitting here typing this, I'm feeling pretty down.  I never knew how much I would miss being in that classroom....despite all the problems that could arise from time to time.  You know, someone made the comment to me the other day that all I did was complain and complain about that job.  I guess they might be right, but then I would have to ask, "Who doesn't complain about their job?"  Honestly, if and WHEN I go back, I'll probably have some more complaining to do.  It doesn't mean I don't love it.  I complain about my husband too----but it doesn't mean I don't love him. lol

I went for an interview today for a part time job.  It is for your, run of the mill, filing, faxing, answering phones, etc. job for a doctor's office.  10 years ago, I did the same type of work while I was in school.  As I sat in that office today, waiting for my interview, I realized that it's not where I belong.  I belong back in the classroom.  And while I would gladly take this job and do it well and happily (if I could find a baby-sitter), in the end it would leave me feeling empty inside.  I miss teaching.  I miss my co-workers.  I miss changing lives and shaping minds as corny as that sounds.  I had a visit from an old co-worker today (we are still buddies), and it was the best 30 minutes of my day....probably the best 30 minutes of my week!  The only problem is that when she left, I felt the void....and I felt it big time.  I miss being able to talk to her as a friend AND co-worker.  Though she keeps me in the loop, it's not nearly the same.  My conversation about Gracen's and Parker's latest accomplishment doesn't seem to fit the conversation.  This isn't to say that it's not important...it just doesn't fit.  St. John's is moving into their big, beautiful school within the next couple of weeks, and I would love to be a part of that more than anything...and I'm not----well, at least not this year.  I have high hopes for the future. 

So........I understand now why people who win the lottery go back to work.  I totally get it, and if I had a million dollars (BNL), I would do the same thing.  There are many people that don't feel that way, and that's okay.  In fact, there are many people who think I shouldn't feel that way.....and it's not really okay with me, but it is what it is, and I need to just put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

And lastly, and totally unrelated, I haven't had a pedicure since two days before my father was buried so we are talking about 3 months now.  Yes, you may go ahead and say ewwwwwwwww or throw  up in your mouth a little.  I don't blame ya!  But within the next couple of weeks, Christmas shopping done or not.....I'm getting a pedicure.  I am going to feel like a woman again....well, I'll settle for human.  And after Christmas I may even take some tutoring money and spring for highlights that haven't been done since July.  I hate how dark my hair gets in the winter.

So lesson learned, my friends.  Next time you stop to think about what you would do as a Lottery winner, you might want to think again.

Where are you Christmas?

Well, it's been a long time since I've "blogged".  Quite honestly, I really didn't feel like I had much of anything to blog about, and I'm not even sure I do now.  I've been under a rock for about a week.   Holidays have me kind of down...and it's not even all about dad. 

Anyway, I'm sure that I'm not much different than many people when I say that the holidays have me down.  So, what is it about this wonderful time of year that brings on depression, anxiety, and stress.  I highly doubt that when Christ came into this world as a tiny baby that he wanted this much anxiety to ring throughout the world every year on the celebration of his birth.  Does that make sense? Then again, we don't really know if his birthday was December 25th, but that's an entirely different story.

So, during this season, we go out of our way to buy the perfect gifts, find the perfect charity,  and see the many Santas.  And yet, the 25th comes and goes and we are left with this horribly empty feeling.  Where did Christmas go?  Wait, where was it to begin with?

Every December 26th, I swear that NEXT YEAR I will do things differently. I will savor every day from Thanksgiving until Christmas.  I will do every special thing I can with my children.  I will teach them them the true meaning of Christmas.  I will volunteer at a shelter or kitchen....buying toys is great, but it's so easy to shell out the money.  What are you really doing?  This year has proven to be even more challenging...with dad being gone. I find myself thinking about how this time last year, we didn't have a clue what was to become of our family.  Will this time next year bring anything like that?  I hope not, but tomorrow is not a guarantee...unfortunately.  And there isn't any way to prepare for such a thing, but it is constantly on my mind.

I am not saying that this entire season has been a complete let down...because it hasn't.  I have had highs and lows.  I have been overly excited about my latest Santa purchase, taking the kids to Bubbie Knotts, and then the thought of our upcoming NYC excursion...a week from tomorrow.  And BTW, can I say I'm not looking THAT forward to going.  Something just stops me in my tracks the minute I think about it....not sure what that is though. 

So, I have two weeks left to make this season COUNT.  Gracen and I do our Advent calendar every day.  We talk a lot about the baby Jesus being born and she loves her Little People Nativity set.  Of course, she is equally as excited about Santa, but that's okay.  The way I look at it....she has the rest of her life to live in the "real" world.  I want her to enjoy the wonder and awe of Santa Claus and Christmas while she still can....and Parker too! 

Perhaps, what makes us feel the most let down when Christmas is over, is that the "joy" stops.  The giving stops.  The awe and wonderment stops.  And the question is, "Why does it stop?"  And even more importantly....."What can we do so it doesn't stop?"  There is no rule saying that this is the only time of year that we can give, that we can surprise people, that we can celebrate.  I'm sure all of you have heard, "Every day should be like Christmas."  And really, I'm thinking the person that coined that phrase was right on target. 

So, here are my ideas for making this holiday season COUNT.

1.  I will be overly patient with my children....and trust me....that isn't always easy.
2.  I will be overly patient with my spouse and family.....and trust me (well you know the rest).
3.  The packages have been mailed to St. Jude but I will do my best to find another way to give of myself this season. 
4.  I will make contact with a friend I haven't talked to in a while.
5.  I will be a regular at church (the minute my husband gets off the boat).  My church-going has been slacking lately...well, more than lately.  I've been working some stuff out since dad died, but I hate being a hypocrit.  I don't want to be a twice a year Catholic.  Honestly, I would've gone sooner, but the thought of taking my two children to church by myself is less than appealing. I would have them dressed and there on time....only to leave at the gospel, sweating profusely and needing another shower. 


Those are just some of MY ideas but feel free to chime in.  I'm fresh out.

On another note, I have an interview on Monday for a part time job.  I pretty much have it if I want, but I'm not sure if I can even take it.  I don't have a baby-sitter for both days, and I don't want to send my kids to a daycare center.  I will still tutor and use the money from that to pay a baby-sitter and then hopefully keep some from the part-time work.  Like I said, that's IF I can do it.  I'm not getting a whole lot of support, which is very frustrating.  I wish I could go into detail, but I can't.  I just have to believe that things will work themselves out!

Jolly Ol' St. Nicholas...lend your ear this way...

St. Nick vs. Santa Claus...

Two different people and one very similar spirit. 

St. Nicholas was a real person, born in the 3rd century. His parents died when he was young and left him with wealth.  History has it that Nick was a very generous man who went around giving away everything he owned to the poor.  One of the most well known stories of St. Nicholas occurred when 3 young daughters of a poor man did not have dowries to get married.  It is told that St. Nick threw bags of gold into their windows on 3 different occassions so that they would be "worthy" of marriage and finding a husband.  The gold, the story says, probably landed in stockings and/or shoes that were set by the fireplace to dry for the night.  This is why children set out shoes or stocking so that St. Nick can come fill them.  It is this day, December 6th, that we celebrate his feast day in the Catholic Church.  St. Nick was also a great bishop who was imprisoned during the days of Roman rule. 

Last night, Gracen and I set out Daddy's shoes in the hopes that St. Nick would fill them....and he did!  St. Nick brought small toys this time...rather than gold or candy (he is keeping up with the times).  Gracen got Littlest Pet Shop pets and Parker got a cool key ring that plays songs.  I told Gracen the story of St. Nicholas last night in---in little kid language of course.  She didn't forget it, and it was the first thing she asked about this morning.  The excitement in her eyes made me forget that it was 6:30 am!  It's just a sneak preview for me of what Christmas day will be like for her, and I am beyond excited! 



So, St. Nick and Santa Claus are very similar but two very different people.  I used to teach my fourth graders that after St. Nick died, Santa kind of took his idea and continued the tradition. 

This time of year gives me an excuse to celebrate almost everyday with my children.  Once again, when I was little, we always received gifts from St. Nick and surprises here and there from "Advent Angels".  How could I not carry on such tradition?

And of course we all know that the Christmas season is about more than presents and tinsil.  I have to say that I'm very proud of Gracen because she knows that on December 25th, it's not only Santa Claus we celebrate but also the birth of the baby Jesus.  She will even tell me, "Mom, baby Jesus is born again."  She greatly enjoys opening up the Advent calendar every day (albeit there are chocolates behind each door), and she spends a great deal of time playing with her Little People Nativity.   How funny it was to find the baby Jesus in the back of her ice cream truck yesterday, with one of the three kings driving.  I kid you not!  Gracen is also VERY excited for her birthday this year.  I am reminded of it every day...it falls on December 28th.

It is a blustery cold day here in Clements, MD.  The wind feels like it is coming through the walls!  I have to admit that it has been nice to stay here today and not have to worry about dragging the kids out so I can go to work.  I do really miss working though.  I attended Breakfast with Santa yesterday at St. John's and met up with some old co-workers.  Oh how I miss them and being part of something greater than changing diapers and cleaning house!  Giving up my job has been really hard for me.  I don't think some people understand that giving up your job can sometimes be like giving up your identity...giving up who you are in some respects.  I miss feeling important...like I have a purpose.  And yes, readers, I know my purpose is to be a mother of two beautiful children but let's think outside the box, okay?  The holidays have never stressed me out in all my 31 years.  This year, I am stressed to the max...and that's for numerous reasons of  course.

Well, the hubby is home and the kids are up so I'm signing off for now!  Tray, I hope you enjoyed this one. :)

Hi, I'm Shannon, have we met?

I feel like I should be saying that to quite a few people in my life right now.  Between the financial stress of the holiday season and just the pure sadness of my dad being gone, this season sure hasn't started off the way it used to.....not that I expected it to I guess. 

Have you ever taken a look at your spouse and just thought, "Wow, what happened?"  Come on, I think most would be lying if they said, "No."  The past couple of weeks have left Stephen and me unable to agree on the color of the sky, let alone anything that has to do with raising a family. And I'm sure I haven't been the best person in the world either.  I love him to pieces and we always pull it together in the end.  It's just that lately, I feel like EVERYTHING has been a struggle....and it's not just with him.  Honestly, I'm just looking for a little bit of encouragment...a little bit of, "That's a great idea!" or "I'll help you out; no problem!"  And don't get me wrong, I have some great friends and family (and you know who you are), but I feel like THE most important people in my life are the ones I'm having the most trouble with.  I just want something to be EASY for once...okay easy is asking for a bit much, but smooth perhaps?  I don't know.  There are so many things I want to say and so many things I can't.  I just would like to encourage everyone out there...especially during this holiday season, to be supportive of your wife, husband, son, daughter, etc.  Try to meet every challenge, every question, every statement; with positive feedback.  You would not believe what a world of good it would do for the person on the receiving end....and you.   Even if you don't feel like it, force yourself to do it. 

I also encourage everyone this season to spend time with your kids.  Have more patience and less time-outs.  Teach them the TRUE meaning of Christmas....how a tiny baby was born unto us to save the world.  Make each day of December a special day full of love and giving. 

And you know what?  Santa's a cool guy too and it's okay to celebrate both in the grandest fashion. A "special" letter from the Man in Red would make any child's day (hint hint).  It would be even better if it actually ARRIVED in the mail box (hint hint).

Take pictures and make memories.

Give of yourself and teach your children how to give too.  Give as much as you can.  I love Christmas, and I love to give.  There is so much magic in both, and I owe it all to my parents.  They made Christmas such a magical time of year for my brother and me, while teaching us the importance of giving and showing us that there were others less fortunate.  This year, I am sending toys to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital in memory of my dad.  There are so many charities worthy of giving to.  Pray and the Lord will direct you to the right one.

Spend the money.  Don't spend foolishly, but spend it.  Don't fight about it.  That "rainy day" might never come and then what good has it done for you?

Each day, Gracen and Parker renew my faith in God and in the Spirit of Christmas.  Gracen was absolutely enthralled with putting the ornaments on the tree this evening...almost to the point of annoyance..lol.  When we took the stockings out, her eyes GLOWED.   "What's that, Daddy?"

"It's a stocking, baby.  Santa fills it with goodies."

"Ohhhhh, a stocking."  She giggled as she held it and jumped up and down.  A stocking.....so simple.  I take them out and hang them up...not giving them a second thought; to her it's a great and wonderfully new discovery.  How cool is that?  Seeing things through Gracen's eyes makes life a lot brighter.

Lastly, dad's hat became our tree topper and final touch tonight.  It's a myriad of emotions that I can't describe. He'll always be part of our Christmases.



Three purples and one pink.

Happy first Sunday in Advent, everyone! 

I would like to first, shamefully admit that I did a horrible job of celebrating the first Sunday in Advent.  I didn't make it to mass because my husband was working, and I cannot take my two children....or rather, I will not take my two children by myself.  I spent most of the weekend, including today, doing Christmas shopping...totally against the "rules" of Advent when we are supposed to be anxiously awaiting the birth of Jesus Christ.  My husband and I fought...and I mean FOUGHT...all day long (about money again...go figure), and my day was really centered around the fact that my kids were going to see Santa this evening at the Hollwood Firehouse.  So really, who's a horrible Catholic Christian?  Me! 

Not teaching this year, I will really miss my annual morning work of "Grab a green piece of paper, trace your hand, cut it out, and put your name on the back of it!" These "hands" would become my bulletin board Advent wreath, followed by 4 beautifully made construction paper candles, complete with a construction paper flame for each one. Such a simple assignment and yet someone always ended up cutting theirs to shreds or putting their name on the wrong side (haha).  I will miss all the holiday activities leading up until the Friday of Christmas break....the Christmas, St. Nick, and Advent DVDs for religion class, the chorus concert and 8th grade play, the class parties....ugh, so sad!  I will REALLY miss the lighting of the Advent wreath at school every Monday morning, followed by placing the ornaments on the Jesse tree. The Jesse tree tells the story of Jesus's ancestors and reveals much about God and prominent stories/symbols from the Old Testament. 

So, as I was saying....Advent....4 weeks leading up until December 25th, when we celebrate the birth of Christ the King.  Advent is a time of preparation as we wait anxiously in anticipation.  In recent years, my religion book for my students often dedicated the first two weeks of Advent to thinking about Jesus's coming again as the Messiah and then the last two weeks as preparation for his birth.  I have to be honest and admit that I never quite understood it, but I went with it. Our church offers a "Little Blue Book" during Advent, and I always loved starting off each religion class with that book.  It always had a fun little fact for the day and a great Bible passage (along with interpretation/explanation) to go along with it.  I'll have to pick one up for my own reading enjoyment this year. 

People have varying ideas about what each candle represents on the Advent wreath.  They differ only slightly, but the first 2 candles that are lit, are purple.  They represent Hope and Peace.  The next candle is pink (3rd week), and this candle represents Joy as we are nearing the birth of Jesus.  Lastly, the 4th candle is also purple and represents Love.  I have even seen a white candle in the center of the Advent wreath, to be lit on Christmas for Christ's birth.  It is white because Jesus is pure and clean and the light of the world.  The advent wreath itself is made from evergreens and formed in a circle, signifying Christ's never ending love (circle)...a love that never dies (evergreens).  

On a slightly different tangent, I saw something in Target today that really made me stop and think.  Here it is....

Let's play, "Name What's Wrong With This Picture".  The box says Advent Calendars, but the calendars it contains say, Dear Santa, Only a Few Days Left!  This amused me at first and shocked me a little, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought HOW WRONG!  First of all, I LOVE the people who celebrate Christmas but don't believe in Jesus. Seriously, look right there:  CHRISTmas.  Personally, I really feel like this picture represents something similar to me lighting an Advent wreath and saying, Happy Hannukah or Happy Kwanzaa!  It's just wrong, and it doesn't make any sense.  Santa has NOTHING to do with Advent.  And please don't go thinking I'm all hoity toity about everything because no one is more guilty than I am of going completely overboard with Santa...but seriously Target...let's try a little harder, okay?  I'm sure I could make a big stink about it if I wanted to be all politically correct and what not, and maybe I should call it to their attention, but I'm voicing it on here for now. 

So, after a little shopping on Black Friday, Stephen and I took the kids to see Santa light the tree in Leonardtown.  I love this night, and the kids had a blast.  Gracen danced the night away and anxiously waved to Santa on the firetruck and yelled loudly as he lit the tree.  She did the same tonight at the Hollywood Firehouse, only this time she had the opportunity to sit on Santa's lap.  Um..........what a disaster!  Shaking and crying, I took her up there.  She buried her head and wouldn't say a word.  Samuel Parker, laid back as he is, just looked around in amazement.  Santa could be his homeboy any day.  I'll post pictures when I get some from the family....great night but exhausting! 

Lastly, I would like to say how terribly I missed my dad tonight.  He loved watching the kids see Santa.  In fact, he used to dress as Santa for the family and loved every last minute of it.  Christmas is going to be really rough this year...and every year.  Every year, Hospice has a tree lighting ceremony and you can purchase Christmas ornaments for $25 with a loved one's name written on them.  My aunts purchased a few.  All I have to say is this:  If you see someone's name on a Christmas ornament without a "Baby's First Christmas" next to it, it's probably not a good sign.  Seeing the picture of this ornament really hit me hard, and I'm not sure why.  The reality set in a long time ago. 

Pictures from Christmas in the Square....

We did it!

I swear, everytime I say that all I can hear is Dora...WE DID IT, WE DID IT, WE DID IT, YEA!  lol

Anyway, we did it.  We all "survived" our first Thanksgiving without dad.  I can only speak for myself when I say that I had a total of about 3 private meltdowns.  One of them came after grace today at my grandmother's house.  No one would begin so I bent over and helped Gracen begin to say it.  When it was all quiet at the end, she pipes up....KISS POPPY.  Really, she says...KISS POPPY.  I have no idea what that means, but it was clear as day and quite obvious who she was talking about.  I'm telling ya...out of the mouths of babes.  Several of us all had a quiet meltdown, but it was so nice to know that he is still with us.  I know he is and so does Gracen....just ask her.  Later this evening we arrived at my aunt's house where half were watching the UGLY Dallas game (darn it) and the other half were in the kichen drinking wine and margaritas and eating nachos and yet more were downstairs playing.  And as I glanced around at all of my dad's kin, I realized; life really does go on.  And it was never more obvious to me than today.  Dad's presence was ever felt, and he was on everyone's mind, but there is no stopping time.  There is no stopping the sound of children laughing or Samuel Parker squealing or the loudness of all my dad's sisters---hahaha.  Love you all and thank GOD for you!

And so, after a very successful Santa shopping excursion last night, I look forward with great excitement to BLACK FRIDAY.  I will not be out early, unfortunately, but I will be out at some point...with or without the kids.  So the double stroller is revved up and ready to go, but if I don't need it and SOMEONE (ANYONE) wants to come and watch my kids, I won't be disappointed.  lol

Of course this blog would not be complete without a "thankful" list....which, I'm sorry, but they are so overrated.  And by that I just mean that one day is simply not enough to give thanks.  It's not enough for anyone.  I need to make a more conscious effort to give thanks EVERYDAY.  But, as I sit on my nice warm bed, I know that I have so much to be thankful for.  I am thankful that at the age of 31, every one of my dreams has come true.  I became a wife almost 4 years ago and had the most beautiful wedding ever.  I had a wonderful dad to walk me down the aisle---who is now a special guardian angel to all of us.  I have a great husband, despite all of our issues.  I have two beautiful, healthy, and bright children who are my world.  I have a roof over my head and heat in my house.  I have some change in my pocket to give my kids a good Christmas.  I have a circle of friends that keeps growing.  I have a wonderful mother, wonderful grandparents.....aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.  I really do have the best family in the world. I have the ability and the knowledge to read and write this blog to you even as we speak.  Basically, I have it all, and I need to see it that way more often.

So, it's 10:38 right now, and I better read my sale papers and hit the hay if I want to catch any deals tomorrow!  Nite everyone and HAPPY THANKSGIVING. 

This is what thankful looks like....



As it draws near....

Sadly enough, perhaps nothing excites me more than the 3 days surrounding Thanksgiving.  Tonight I will make my way up to the "dorf" to go shopping with my aunt at Toys R Us and the mall.  TOMORROW night, I may even find myself doing some shopping.  A lot of stores are opening at midnight and Toys R Us is opening at 10. You would NOT BELIEVE the bargains they are having!  And of course there's....DUN, DUN, DUN....Black Friday!  Oh Black Friday...how I love thee...let me count the ways!  Oh wait, did I mention Cyber Monday?

My inbox to both my hotmail and metrocast e-mail is filled to the brim every morning when I awake----tons of retailers offering me their "Very Best Sale of the Year"!  And yes, it's suckers like myself who will look long and hard at every single one, hemming and hawwing about whether I should take the leap and buy now or wait closer to Christmas.  Either way, I'm pretty hyped up about it all.  Gracen is at such a fun age and now and even Parker....loves everything, and I know he'll get a huge kick out of Christmas.

And with all that said, no, I haven't forgotten about Thanksgiving.  How can I?  I've been dreading it for months now.  For the past week, despite my best efforts, I've been waking up early in the morning, anxiety ridden.  All I can think about is dad, and all I can see are his last few, terrifying moments here on earth.  Horrible, I know.  I'm not sure what it's all about or why it's happening.  It's just, well, UGH.  I think what's tortured me more than dad's actual death, is the way he spent his last couple of months and his last couple of hours here on earth.  But, enough about that.....onto being thankful!

I am going to make a conscious effort, starting NOW,  to turn everything into thankfulness.  My first step...I am thankful  (as I'm sure others are) for the nice, hot shower I'm about to take.  Albeit, it'll be with the door open and constantly peeking my head out to check on Gracen, but nonetheless, thankful for it.  I will save my REALLY thankful blog for tomorrow (when I'm getting all those great deals---hahahaha).  Happy day before Thanksgiving everyone!

Happy 8 months, Sammy Parker!

March 22, 2010--- I woke up around midnight, thinking maybe I had peed my pants!  A little perplexed, but I went back to bed.  Got up 20 minutes later and had the same thing happened.  I thought MAYBE my water had broken, but I wasn't quite sure.  We called Dr. Polko and off to St. Mary's we went.  Grandma Bean came up to be with Gracen.  It's a good thing too because they kept me.  My water had broken!

My water breaking didn't induce my labor so they gave me pitocin.  After upping the dosage three times, I decided I couldn't stand it anymore and asked for my epidural.  It only took on one side, and I was in excruciating pain on my right side until THANK GOODNESS, the anesthesiologist came back in and doped me up again.  It wasn't long after that, that my little Samuel Parker Armsworthy was born at 9:32 am.  He weighed about 7 lb even and was only 19 inches long....so tiny! 

My husband and I had a hard time picking out Parker's name.  I had a really strong feeling that I wanted to use my dad's name somewhere in Parker's name...I guess now I know why.  I wanted it to be Parker Samuel, but Stephen insisted on Samuel Parker, and I like that a lot better now.  I love to call him Sammy Parker.  He has been an absolute joy his entire 8 months here on earth (minus about a month when he wouldn't sleep and was super gassy).  To say that Parker has been everyone's light since July 16th (when we found out dad was sick) is an understatement.  Gracen has been wonderful too, but there is something about the love and joy of a little baby.  Gracen had 2 wonderful years with dad.  They did so much together.  Most of Parker's time with dad was spent sitting or sleeping in his hospital bed with him.  It sounds so dismal, but when I look back on it I realize how God's timing is so perfect.  I know without a doubt that Samuel Parker provided so much joy and love to my dad during those sad months in the hospital...and right up to his death.  Dad loved Gracen like no other, but I think her visits left him with a sadness...that he couldn't get down and play with her or hold her like he could when he was well.  Parker's visits were just perfect...he wasn't mobile, and neither was dad. So while Gracen had a great two years with dad, Parker had the last two months of his life.  And when I look back on it all, I am thankful that dad was able to see a baby boy with his namesake and one that brought him much joy and happiness in a dismal hospital room. 

Samuel Parker is movin' and groovin' these days.  He can sit up well, but refuses to because he always wants to move into the crawling position. Only problem is---he can't crawl!  He loves to stand, but he can't stand on his own.  He is a sweet and handsome little boy who is growing leaps and bounds everyday.  I can't believe he'll be a year old in 4 short months.  He LOVES Mickey Mouse and chuckles loudly at him.  He will smile at anyone who gives him a look. He has beautiful blue eyes, blonde "fuzzy" hair, and dimples.  He weighs almost 20 lbs with huge "hamhocks" for legs----my grandfather attributes those to his daddy (Stephen).  He will ride anywhere in the car without crying (which some of you may know as a parent, is a HUGE deal).  He has one little tooth that has come through and another one on the way. He does not want to WATCH you eat, but will rather dive at your plate instead.  That's where the PUFFS come in, which he absolutely loves.  He's a pretty good sleeper, for which I am thankful. 

I cannot tell you the way Parker....well, the way both of my children have touched my life during this very difficult time.  I am so grateful and blessed.  I love you, my sweet and handsome little Sammy Parker!



'Tis the season...

97.1 started playing their Christmas music on Friday.  I was a little confused at first about how I felt about it all.  Now, I'm cool with it.

You know, my kids are playing nicely in the floor, and I should be sweeping, but I've had such a rapid flurry of thoughts over the past couple of days, that I wanted to put fingers to keyboard.  And deep thoughts naturally equal that I've been thinking about dad.  Sorry, readers.  But, hey, this one might be a little more insightful and not so bad so keep reading.

Everytime I have gotten excited about this holiday season---from Santa shopping, to watching movies with the kids, I immediately have a sad feeling come over. Of course, it's then I remember that dad is gone.  But lately, I've tried hard to combat that feeling.  Because when I think about it, what is that SAD feeling really going to do for me and my family.?  The answer:  absolutely nothing. 
I really believe that often when people remember deceased loved ones (especially during the holiday season), we automatically think we have to remember them with sadness.  It's a given that the minute you start talking about grandma or grandpa or mom or dad that have left this world, that our eyes turn downward and we give a deep sigh.  In fact, I would even go so far as to say that people sometimes think if you don't remember them with sadness then you don't remember them at all.  I mean, I have even found myself feeling guilty about being happy about Christmas.  In fact, it happened just this morning when I was in the car listening to Christmas music.  I was happy, singing along, and then BAM.  My mood immediately changed.  I actually felt guilty about being so happy.  Yes, my dad is gone, and it is sad, but I have a choice every single day when I get up:  I can be happy or I can be sad.  Just because I make a choice to be happy, does not mean that I have forgotten about dad or am any less sad.  It doesn't mean that I don't have my moments of weeping throughout the day or at night when I go to bed.  But, it's OK to be happy.  It's okay to let that in.  Sometimes it's a little easier said than done, but it really is a choice.  Christmas Eve and Christmas Day will be a sad one for all of us.  In fact, I'm pretty much dreading all of it; especially Christmas Day when we go to my paternal grandparents house as we do every year.  It's a very small house, and I imagine that there will be a great sadness looming over all of it, along with some tears.  Did I mention I was DREADING it?  Anyway, I hope that somehow, we can all find the strength to hold it together and be happy for all the Christmases we did have with dad and remember, above all, that he is happy now and not in pain anymore.  And you know what?  I actually feel my dad around me more than ever these days.  I look all around my house, and there isn't one thing in here that he hasn't touched; from the bookshelves in Gracen's room, to the fence outside my basement stairs, to the window sills in my bedroom.  He's everywhere.  I KNOW he is, and that brings me great comfort.  This year, one of dad's hats will be our tree topper, and I don't care how redneck that is.  I recently had a beautiful BW picture hung in each of my kids' rooms.....one is of Gracen and dad in the garden and the other is of dad holding Samuel Parker as he slept in his hospital bed.  My dad is watching over my kids, always....just not in the way I want him to.  He's watching over all of us.  In addition, dad is great at getting prayers answered more rapidly and speedily.  It's amazing how quickly I can send prayers up and how quickly I get a response these days.

My mom said she won't put up a tree this year.  And I have to ask, Will that make her any less sad?  No, probably not.  Dad wouldn't want it to be that way either.  He would want us all to be happy and carry on because he surely is.  So, I hope she puts one up...for her sake and her grandchildren.  If I avoided everything that reminded me of dad or that dad built, I wouldn't even be able to live in my own house.  And as I said before, these things are all easier said than done, but when looked at closely, are the biggest and truest cliches you will ever find. 

So I am hoping this blog a) helps me to really believe what I'm writing and stay true to it and b) might help someone else out there. 

And one last thought, I'm happy for my Aunt Karen.  She has her brother to spend Christmas with this year. 



A new resolve...

I woke up yesterday morning with a new resolve...I was going to cook dinner!  In the 3 1/2 years I've been married, I have only cooked for my husband twice... and it wasn't pretty and had very little effort involved.  Stephen has always cooked and always loved to cook because, well, he loves to eat.  However, he has often voiced his discontent at the fact that I don't cook....or really refuse to....until now.

My first dish was shrimp scampi over pasta.  And you know what?  It wasn't too bad!  My husband even liked it, and he is SUPER picky.  And trust me, he would either say nothing or definitely tell me if it was awful.  My second dish, which was this evening, was 3 cheese lasagna. Not as good but still good enough for all of us to eat and my hubby to take some leftovers for lunch tomorrow.  I'm pretty proud of myself!

Stephen and I have had our fair share of disagreements and woes lately and so I decided that I would step it up a notch.  We're always complaining about how the other one either doesn't listen or doesn't change or just "doesn't" get it.  So, I thought I would be the first to start.  And the result?  Surprisingly good.  We had a great night and my husband was more pleasant than ever.  Truly proving the phrase that, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."  Then again, I guess I always knew that about Stephen.

On another note, I'm having some pretty anxiety ridden days lately.  The money I make in tutoring is just not cutting it for income for me (I only have one client).  I do have a possible position opening up for me in the near future which would require working two days a week, for 10 hours a day.  Really, I would prefer to do it that way and don't mind the long days.  It's leaving my kids (and getting them to a sitter) that I do mind and that makes me extremely nervous.  You know, it's funny how last year when I was working (and before that), I would have no problem getting up, leaving them, and going to work.  It's different now for some reason.  Maybe it's the enormous amount of time I have spent with them since June 12th or so. OR maybe it's the fact that my mom won't watch them (what a completely awesome thing that was).  I really wish I knew of a REALLY reliable college student or friend that would watch them two days a week at my home.  Better yet, I REALLY wish that I would get a response back to what seems like millions of e-mails I have sent out responding to job postings for medical transcriptionists.  I am so frustrated.  I can't seem to land one, and I'm perfectly qualified.  And then, on the other hand, if I could get a total of 3 or 4 more children to tutor, I wouldn't be worried about finding a job at all. 

I can't say that we are dirt poor right now.  We are making the bills and Christmas is almost covered.  It's just hard....REALLY hard.  I felt bad about getting my hair cut last night, and I haven't had it cut in two months.  We're supposed to get our Christmas pictures taken on the 29th, and I'm trying to figure out where that money is going to come from.  Having to ask your spouse for money just plain sucks.  Especially when he is Ebonezer incarnate.  I would do anything to have my own paycheck again; to go to Target and buy what I need without batting an eye.  This is miserable, but I have to constantly remind myself that I sit here with a roof over my head, listening to the heat running.  A part-time job would give me just the right amount of money I need and still allow me to stay home with the kids.  And then oh wait, there's the cost of daycare.  I can't win. 

I'm sorry if this rant has seemed like a rant...or maybe even a whine.  I am just so completely stressed out about it all that no words could even begin to describe it.  I'm going to bed and praying to my dad for some help on the matter.  I have to say, he gets the job done pretty quickly most of the time.  Nite all.